


Hold me without touch, keep me without chains

by Jinxgirl



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2015-08-01
Packaged: 2018-04-10 11:42:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 30,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4390511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jinxgirl/pseuds/Jinxgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Finn's death, Santana's fear grief and fear of loss becomes overwhelming, and she begins a self destructive path. When Brittany returns to her, the two begin to rebuild their relationship. Cowritten with TechnoGryffin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Hold me without touch, keep me without chains

Author note: This takes place a few months after "The Quarterback." This story deals with depression, eating disorders, and has triggering material, and as a fair warning up front, it is Brittana most of the way through but there is some Fabrittana eventually. Mostly canon up to Quarterback with a few slight head canons/alterations.

Several times in Brittany's life that a few months I had changed everything. The summer before freshman year she had just been this young girl and then all of a sudden a few months later she was hanging out with the head cheerleader and getting looked at like she was the hottest thing any of the boys have ever seen. She had been best friends with Santana and then all of a sudden a few months later they were doing things to each other that she couldn't describe it because they felt better than she had ever experienced before. But Santana had been hurting, barely able to look at her… and then a few months later they were dating.

A few months ago she was in Lima, she was Sam's girlfriend, she was stuck. Then MIT happened and Santana and she held hands as they walked off the stage together and she broke up with Sam. She did a semester at MIT and while her grades were the highest they ever were, she just couldn't do it. It was too much pressure, too many eyes constantly on her, expecting so much, and she received so little pleasure or satisfaction from it in return. It was nothing like the admiration she received for her dancing, because of the hunger for more, always more, that came with it. It didn't take more than a few more months before she dropped out of MIT, managing instead to get into Bachelor of Fine Arts in Dance program for the Tisch School of the Arts at NYU.

A few months ago, Finn had been alive, and everyone she had known from Glee seemed to be piecing their lives together for the better, starting to make their way into adulthood and successful futures. But now Finn was dead, and Brittany could barely think of any of her old friends without feeling unbearably sad, let alone keep in contact with them. A few months ago, she had been unable to bring herself to even call anyone, let alone go to Finn's funeral or memorial…but now she was on her way to New York City, with every intention of seeing Santana for the first time since regionals.

All her hopes are riding right now on this; it's the only plan she has bothered to make, not because she is so confident that it will work, but because it's the only option she can allow herself to have. Santana has to let her into her apartment, into her life. Santana has to forgive her, to understand how it was possible for Brittany to have kept her silence for so long, even when she knew Santana probably wanted to speak with her and see her the most. Santana has to, because if she doesn't, Brittany doesn't know what she will do next.

Brittany's possessions right now were in two bags; everything else from MIT was sent back to Lima, to her parents' house, where it could stay until she needed it. She got in a cab and told the driver the address, then, sitting back, took a breath as she moved closer and closer to the woman she needed in her life again.

It seemed much too soon for her to really be prepared as the cab pulled in front of the correct apartment. All that was left after she had paid was to haul her bags up the short flight of steps, face the door, take one last steadying breath, and knock.

88

Santana Lopez has given up.

It's not something she would ever say aloud to another soul, and she has a difficult time even admitting it to herself, inside her own darkest thoughts. But she knows it's true, deep down, and it is affecting her to her core. She has given up, and honestly, she couldn't care less what happens to her or in her life anymore.

She never would have thought, a few months before, that Finn freaking Hudson not being in her life could affect her so strongly. Honestly, she rarely thought about Finn at all, other than when Rachel had to yammer on about him, and when she did, it was with a strangely affectionate irritation. But Finn's death had shattered her world and her world view, more than she would have thought possible, and ever since her life had seemed meaningless, even a burden.

She knew she had loved Finn, even if she never exactly said as much, and even if he was a huge, lumpy dumbass who could rarely relate to her without sticking his oversized foot directly in his usually hanging open mouth. But she had never realized that to suddenly not have him there, a phone call or car ride away, to know that he was gone, forever, would hurt so much and with such intensity. He had been family, even if he could sometimes infuriate the hell out of her, and it was hell to have him gone.

It was almost worst, watching everyone else around her hurting just as badly. It made her realize with a sudden clarity she had never before possessed that anything, absolutely anything or anyone, could be taken from her at any time, no matter how much she didn't want it, and there was nothing she could do about it. She could lose her car or her job or her home or her health, she could lose anyone and everyone that she loved, and she couldn't prevent it. Having things, loving people, having a hope or a plan, she realized with sudden desperate despair, was completely pointless, because it would hurt all the more when she lost them than if she didn't have them at all.

She had lost so much in her life already. She had lost her feelings of safety and security on a national basis, now that everyone knew, even before she knew who they were, that she was a gay ex cheerleader, that they could hate her at a glance alone. She had lost her abuela's love, she had lost her scholarship and her certainty of her dreams, she had lost Finn, and now, she was sure, with two conspicuously absent spots at Finn's memorial, she had lost Brittany and Quinn. If they couldn't be there for her even then, knowing her like they did and how badly she would need them, then they would never be there for her again at all. And that somehow hurt every bit as badly as Finn.

She made up her mind, then and there, the moment Finn's jacket disappeared from her possession, that she would never let herself lose anything or anyone again. She would never let anything good into her life to risk. She would keep herself from success, keep herself from any kind of loving relationship at all, and that way she could never hurt so much again.

So Santana continued to wait tables, but she refused to sing, even when requested to; it would be something she could possibly enjoy, and music was no longer a comfort or a joy, but a source of pain. She did everything she could to avoid Rachel in their apartment, to push aside the rare question. She was there for her, when Rachel showed emotion, but the moment the other girl wasn't looking, she retreated to her room with a bottle and cried into her pillow until she fell asleep. When Kurt moved back to Lima, wanting to support his father and Carol in their time of grief, she was happy, because it was one less person to push her to open up.

But it wasn't easy. As hard as she tried not to feel, she had never naturally been a person to be able to stop, as hard as she tried to bottle it up. So she had to find a release, and there was only one way she could think of to try to cope. Every night, as soon as she was off shift, Santana went out, losing herself and her fears in shot after shot, drink after drink, until she was finally able to pick off the first warm body who gave her a smile. In drunken haze, she could forget her feelings, forget everything about physical touch, and each time she hoped it would be enough.

Never mind that she woke up most mornings with her face swollen and sticky from tears, that she was forgetting to eat and had no appetite when she did remember. Never mind that she hated herself more fiercely than she could recall feeling in some time, even as she tried to feel nothing at all.

It was a typical morning, the day that Brittany came back into her life. She was hungover, aching all over, half asleep on the couch because she had been too drunk to get herself to her bed in Kurt's old bedroom. When she heard the doorbell ring she ignored it, calling out a slurred order to go away. No way in hell was she dealing with the world right now.

88

Brittany knocked again. She didn't want to tell who she was yet in case her ex girlfriend or half way friend decided not to let her in. If they didn't let her in and let her stay she had nowhere else to go, and for the first time, the weight of her lack of a back-up plan began to settle over her. She felt a little panic well up as she knocked on the door a little more firmly.

Santana growled aloud, half rolling over, and almost fell off the couch. Newly irritated, she called out more loudly.

"I'm not home, already!"

"Santana?" Brittany called from the other side of the door. "Santana, it's me, Brittany. Let me in. It's the middle of December and it's freezing out here," she called, wanting to try to get the door open. She knew that tone and that was not a good one.

Even in her sprawled, limp position on the couch, Santana froze. She wanted to deny to herself that she recognized Brittany's voice, but of course, she would recognize it anywhere, no matter what distractions. She shook her head, trying to convince herself it was a dream, or some sort of hungover delusion. Or...

"Rachel Fucking Berry if you're trying out that stupid ventriloquist impersonal shit Sam does, your ass is gonna be bearing footprints pretty soon."

"When we were 14 years old you gave me a friendship bracelet," Brittany called out, wanting to prove it was her and not Rachel or Sam or anyone else. "When we became official girlfriends we stopped wearing them. We started to wear rings on our right middle fingers instead. Because we were more than friends. We wanted more than friendship."

Santana felt like her heart just stopped. She swallowed hard, feeling it stick in her throat, and tried to curl up into a ball on the couch. Already her eyes stung hotly, and she couldn't seem to come up with any words. She shook her head, denying to herself what she had just heard, and then almost whispered, "Go away."

She couldn't take this, not now. Not after all these months. There is no way she could just let her in, to do whatever it is she wanted, all over again. If Brittany wasn't there two months ago, or the months before that...no. just no.

"Santana, I am freezing my ass off out here. Please just let me in. I want to see you, I need to talk to you."

Brittany hated this. She hated there was a door between them, but she hated more there was now a wall between them consisting of more than simple construction- a wall partly built by her own decisions.

"Santana I am asking you to open the door, please?"

She closed her eyes, trying to keep herself from breaking down. She didn't like the anger she heard in her voice before and the tone she used once she was sure it was her was somehow worse.

Santana couldn't take hearing Brittany's voice. She couldn't stand knowing she was on the other side of the door, so close, after being so far in every way for so long. Why was she here now? Why was she coming to her now, when Santana had finally sort of succeeded in pushing her out of her thoughts? And why was it that even now, hearing Brittany sounding upset or hurt still affected her so badly?

Santana squeezed her eyes shut even more tightly, trying to force back unwanted tears, before she finally got to her feet with a groan that was almost a whimper. She staggered to the door, thrusting it open, and then hurriedly turned away, not wanting to see Brittany longer than she had to. She couldn't stand to look her straight on.

"What."

Brittany didn't even think about it; she couldn't resist. The moment Santana was in front of her, she stepped forward and wrapped Santana up in her arms from behind her. She held her for a moment, her face pressed to Santana's neck, before she spoke.

"I transferred from MIT to NYU. I am going to dance instead of do math. I can't live the life other people want me to. I'm dancer. I need to move and to express myself that way. I need that part of my life back, and I need a place to live. I can afford $1200 a month on rent. I am hoping I can move in here."

The moment Brittany's arms wrapped around her, Santana's heart started to race, panic flooding every muscle. She couldn't be held by her and continue to function. She couldn't smell her so close to her, listen to her voice near her ear, and still maintain even a little bit of composure. She couldn't do this, none of this made sense, she couldn't handle it, so she twisted herself violently, trying to force her to let go.

"Oh, so I'm the fallback. Your plans don't work out, and you think you can always come back to old reliable? What, your husband won't let you share his twin bed anymore?"

Brittany felt a sting at the mention of the fake wedding. She didn't really want Santana to know about that.

"You know Sam and I broke up." She dropped her arms to her sides to let Santana free. "And you know how much dancing means to me. You know it's the place where people don't call me stupid. I can't keep being their math monkey. I need to get back the important things in my life. Dancing and you."

Santana backed away from her, as far as the room will allow. She kept her back to her, her arms protectively crossing over her chest as she shook her head, refusing to look over towards her. Her entire face burned, and her voice comes out tautly, almost mean as she answered.

"Right. I'm so damn important to you."

"You were the one that broke up with me, remember?" Brittany said softly. "You are the most important person in my life. I tried to make someone else more important for a while and look what happened. I don't like it when we're not at least best friends. I don't like it when we're not together. I hated Boston because you weren't there. And I don't know if I can do New York without you. I'm asking for us to be us again. The dynamic two shot."

Santana could feel her hands starting to shake, her legs growing weak, and as the trembling began to spread up her arms to her shoulders, she made her hands into fists, clinching her jaw to suppress the cry that wanted to escape. She couldn't hear this. She couldn't let herself even try to believe, and she didn't want to. She couldn't afford to feel anything soft, anything like love or hope, not anymore. She shook her head, slowly at first, then harder, her messy hair flying out. Not trusting herself to speak aloud, she walked with slightly unsteady gait towards her curtained off area of the apartment.

Brittany took a breath, moving to shut the front door before moving her bags by the couch. At least Santana didn't throw her out. She didn't know what to do, so she headed to the kitchen. She did what she always did when she was upset, beginning to clean. She made sure to be quiet, not wanting to upset Santana more than she had. As she cleaned everything she could get her hands on, she felt guilt build in her chest. She hadn't been there for Santana, her own sadness crushing her. And now maybe Santana just didn't want her anymore. She shook her head, fighting to keep the same faith that had been tested with Santana before.

Once the kitchen was clean she made a grilled cheese for Santana and one for herself. She heated some tomato soup, doctoring it a little before she put some in a bowl for them to share. She grabbed two waters and headed toward Santana's area, hoping not to be assaulted when she got there.

Assault was not at all on Santana's mind. Actually, she was simply trying with increasing desperation to hold herself together. Between the hangover-induced throbbing in her temples, aching of her muscles, and dry mouth, and her emotionally induced confusing, anger, and nearly frantically denied sadness, she couldn't seem to decide what to do or how to respond, and the only way she could have a prayer of holding herself together was by being alone. Even then she found herself melting onto her bed, face down, her back shaking with the tears she was still trying with all she had to hold back. Why the hell was this happening?

Brittany passed though the curtain and into Santana's space. She felt nervous being in her inner space without permission, but she pressed on.

"I made us some lunch. Grilled cheese. No bacon since you didn't have any. I thought about putting a ketchup smiley face like you like, but I don't think either of us feels very smiley today," she said softly as she walked toward the bed. She felt her voice shake a little but tried to keep herself from admitting how hard this was. "I don't have anywhere else to go so if you are going to kick me out do it before dark, ok?"

Santana didn't respond to her aloud. She couldn't respond. She could still feel the slight shaking moving through her body, her heart beating hard against the comforter, her breath raspy even to her own ears. She ignored her, hoping that if she played dead, maybe Brittany would go away. But this was Brittany, and Santana knew the chances of that...or so she thought she had. She would have thought the chances of them not talking, all these months, of Brittany not being there on instinct the moment she needed her most, would be beyond zero too.

Brittany put the food down on Santana's bedside table.

"I didn't go to you when you needed me. And if you're upset about that then you have every right to be. I couldn't go back to that high school again. I planned on going back but I couldn't get on the plane. I should have sucked it up for you because you needed someone. I should have been stronger for you but I just wasn't." She reached out to play with a bit of Santana's hair. "You haven't been taking care of yourself and I wasn't there to make sure you were ok. Blame me for that. Hate me for that. But I am here now and I'm not going away."

Santana knew she should reach her hand out and shove Brittany's hand off her. She should tell her to go away, to get out of her room. She should tell her to leave her alone, that she doesn't want her anymore. That nothing matters, not her words, not her apologies, and not her stupid little touches. But when she opened her mouth, none of this comes out. She opened her mouth, then closed it, then opened it again, swallowing repeatedly against the lump steadily rising in her throat. Finally she forced out, "Stop. You can't do this. Just stop."

"It's been eight months, Santana. I can't not be in your life anymore. I can't not have you in mine." Brittany sat down on the side of the bed, her hand stroking though her hair. "I don't know who I am anymore without you. Everything is just too loud and confusing and fast. I need my best friend back. Even if you don't want to be my girlfriend anymore. Even if you don't want me to belong to you. I need you back at least as my best friend," Brittany kept her voice soft even as she pleaded.

"Stop it," Santana repeated, and this time she could hear the cracking in her voice, the near pleading tearfulness. "Stop talking...stop."

She mashed her face harder into the comforter, feeling her nose stuff up and threatening to run with her fight to hold back tears. She didn't move away from Brittany's hand, however; she felt powerless to try. It was as though its stroking had hypnotized her, holding her where she was.

Brittany kicked her shoes off, moving to lay down. She was behind Santana so it didn't take much to move to spoon her. She didn't say anything as she fit her body against Santana's back with only the comforter to keep them apart. She moved an arm around her waist, nuzzling her neck though her hair.

"I love you," she whispered as softly as she could.

This was not fair. This was so not fair. Brittany knew that there was no way she could ignore this or resist...she knew this. She was playing dirty, forcing her to give in, and Santana should be pissed off. But she couldn't feel anger. She couldn't feel anything but fear.

The tightness around her heart seemed to puncture then, and Santana started to cry, quietly at first, then with growing intensity. She moved her hands to cover her face, sobbing from behind them, "Leave me alone. Go away. I said to go away...why don't you listen to me, I said go away."

Brittany felt a shudder run through her as Santana started to sob and tell her to go away. She felt like her heart was being slowly ripped out of her chest.

"I can't leave you again. It hurt so much when you broke up with me. I am finally in the same city as you are. I'm finally holding you again. How can I just walk away from that? Aren't we soulmates? Isn't that what we always said?"

"I need you to go. Go, go, go, please go, please stop, please go, just go...please, just GO," Santana pleaded, her words difficult to understand through her tears. She tightened her hands over her face, still doing everything she could to keep Brittany from seeing her face.

Brittany didn't know what to do. Never before had Santana pushed her so hard to walk away. Everything in her gut was telling her not to leave. Everything she knew about Santana was telling her to stay.

"If you want me to leave for good then you look me in the eye and tell me you don't want me in your life anymore. You look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me anymore."

She hoped more than anything Santana wouldn't be able to do it.

Santana couldn't. Not even if she wanted to, not if her continued existence depended on it. Santana couldn't even make herself form the words on her lips with her palms pressed against them, let alone turn around and look Brittany in the face while speaking them aloud. It wasn't possible, and the increased trembling of her frame and her lack of response spoke this even if her words didn't.

"I am never leaving you again. Never ever."

Brittany brought her arms around Santana more firmly. Santana's body had betrayed her words; she had learned early on that Santana's body gave away more than her words ever would.

"I've got you Santana. I've got you and I will never let you go."

She nuzzled her neck, trying not to notice how thin her frame felt. One thing at a time. One thing.

Every word, every squeeze of her body, every nuzzle and every breath against her skin felt like a hammer knocking down more and more of the walls she had fought to keep up around her heart. Santana gave in entirely to her tears, letting her body go limp with them, her fingers relaxing over her face as she stopped fighting. Brittany felt the shift as Santana started to let the tensing in her body go. She closed her eyes, just staying with Santana and trying to get her to a state of calm. They needed to talk about everything but right now she knew Santana, and they just needed to hold each other and breathe. They had been underwater for months. Now it was time to take those first merciful breathes together.

"I used to lay in bed alone and hug Lord Tubbington, and I would sing "Valerie" to myself," Brittany told her softly into her ear. "I would close my eyes and think of you on that stage all dressed up. You did so well. Lord Tubbington didn't like the singing so much, though. I have a few new scars now that will always remind me of you, and I don't mind it at all."

Santana still wasn't at a talking stage. She was at a gulping for breath, trying not to drown in her own bodily fluids stage. She couldn't return Brittany's embrace or even maintain enough control of her limbs to cover her hands with hers, but she did lean back into her, letting herself be held. Brittany just rubbed Santana's back with one hand while the other held her a little tighter.

"Breathe for me, Santana. I need you to breathe nice and slow. I know it hurts right now. Quinn had to hold me last week when I was crying so bad I burst a blood vessel in my eye. It was pretty gross, it looked like when we were zombies for homecoming, only not so sexy. But I need you to try for me. Just try to breathe."

Hearing that Brittany was so upset she burst blood vessels crying definitely wasn't doing much to soothe her. Santana tried, but it was slow going, and when she eventually started to do better, it was because Brittany's heartbeat against her back eventually started to regulate her own.

Brittany breathed slowly, trying to show Santana a pattern to follow. She let Santana just lay there, trying not to do anything but love her. She did, as a friend and as more than a friend. Brittany always knew the only person who could be called her soulmate was Santana.

When Santana started to calm, eventually just lying, breathing, in Brittany's arms, she hurt all over, as though she had endured a beating. She closed her eyes, releasing a slow sigh aloud.

Brittany was scared to say something. She just traced up and down Santana's middle with the tips of her fingers. She had no idea of her touch still explained all the things she couldn't say to Santana but she hoped it did. She hoped her touch was still as comforting and supportive as it had always been.

"Hi."

Another long sigh escaped Santana, and she swallowed, keeping her eyes closed. She whispered her response, her voice scratchy and dry.

"Hi."

Brittany nuzzled the back of her neck. "I have seen what my life looks like without you in it. Without your presence affecting everything else in my life. I don't like it. I don't like it at all. And I think maybe you don't like me not affecting everything in your life too. You need me and I need you and that's just a fact. Forever."

The truth is that Brittany always has affected everything in Santana's life. As much as she didn't want her to, as hard as she tried to push any thoughts of her aside, she was always there, even when she wasn't physically there at all. Santana still had few words for her; she was too exhausted to try. But she gave a faint nod in response, letting this speak.

"That's all I needed," Brittany whispered as she nuzzled the back of Santana's neck. Knowing that Santana at least agreed with that gave Brittany the confidence to feel a right to be back in Santana's bed. She pushed herself a little closer, her hand slipping under the shirt. "Take a nap, honey. After you wake up we'll get you a warm bath and then we'll talk. You need to rest first."

As exhausted as she was, Santana thought it would be impossible for her to sleep. Not when she hurt so much, physically and emotionally. Not with Brittany there, touching her, holding her, after all this time. Not with so much to think about and try to piece together in her mind. But with Brittany's soothing warmth against her, she found herself drifting off after less than ten minutes, falling into a deep sleep.

Brittany didn't sleep while Santana did. She laid there, wrapped up in the only person she ever truly fell in love with, and hoped that maybe that love could still end up saving them both. She felt Santana's frame and knew she couldn't have been eating well if she was this thin. It brought her back to high school, and the fear rose in her chest. But that was a conversation for another moment. After a while she just started trying to form a plan, needing to support the one she loved.


	2. Chapter 2

It was close to three hours before Santana even stirred, and another twenty minutes past that before she slowly started the prolonged process of opening her eyes. Although she was still sore and tired, her headache was gone, and she felt somewhat better, wrapped in Brittany's warmth. She slowly reached to touch Brittany's hand, though she didn't entwine their fingers.

Brittany just watched as Santana slowly woke up. She knew she needed hours more but at least she was moving with a little more fluidity. Brittany still felt the guilt from before settled heavy in her chest but she pushed it away for now. She nuzzled Santana's neck, letting her speak first. She would wait as long as she needed.

She had to wait a long time. Easily another ten minutes passed before Santana finally spoke, her voice foggy.

"Where's Berry."

"I don't know," Brittany whispered. "There wasn't a note or anything in the kitchen." She ran her hand up and down Santana's side, wanting to try to bring her some tactile comfort. "I need to go remake us lunch, the food won't be any good."

"I don't want to see her," Santana mumbled, but what she actually meant is she doesn't want Rachel to see her like this....and like this with Brittany. She didn't comment on Brittany telling her that she'll make lunch, giving another sigh.

"You have to eat," Brittany said softly. "You haven't been and you've lost weight and the last time you did this it was scary. I know that you have to be going through something if you're cutting weight like this again. I am not letting you waste away." 

The words rushed out of her, a slight edge of panic in them.

Santana lifted her head, actually turning her neck to look Brittany in the eye. She hated when Brittany referenced that time in her life, back before junior year, over that summer. If it was up to her, they’d both forget it and never talk about or mention it again. She wanted to reassure her, to tell her that she was fine, that Brittany was worrying over nothing, but she knew Brittany would see right through it. She never has been able to lie to her.

"I know every inch of every part of your body, Santana. I spent years learning where your curves where and what they felt like against me, against my hands. Don't lie and say you're fine when I can feel you aren't. Don't do that." 

Santana's cheeks flushed, and she bit her inner cheeks, her eyes shifting to the side.She couldn’t argue with this. She knew she lost weight, but she figured for as long as no one said anything, it wasn’t enough to matter.  
"Don't worry."

Brittany snorted. "When have you ever known me not to worry about you?" she asked, her hand finding Santana's cheek. "You and I hurt each other. We both did the wrong things. And now we have to fix it. I didn't do much better in Boston, but I didn't let myself stop eating while I melted down."

Brittany's fingers felt cool against her skin, and Santana wanted to close her eyes again, to let herself melt back into her. She breathed out again, making herself look Brittany in the eyes.

"It's been months. Why now."

"Because I got into NYU. I couldn't just leave MIT. I wanted to about a week after I got there. But I had to make it through the fall semester so I could come to NYU and make something of myself. I couldn't just run away again like I ran away from Lima," Brittany whispered, leaning in she kissed the last traces of the dried tear tracks off Santana's face, visible on her face even after her sleep. "And I missed you. So much. Sometimes I couldn't go to class because I missed you too much."

Santana didn't respond. These were the right words, words she wanted to hear, and yet they hurt, because they were the wrong timing. Why couldn't she have said this two months ago, when she needed her most? And yet how could she ask her why she wasn't there for her? How could she voice those words?

Brittany stroked Santana's jaw with the pads of her fingers. 

"I bought the ticket and I went to the airport. But I couldn't get on the plane. I couldn't go back and hear every talk about him. It was too much. It was too real, and I’ve never done reality well without you." Her voice cracked slightly as she closed her eyes. "I trusted them to take care of you. I thought by now they would know what to do if I wasn't there. I have never felt so guilty for being wrong. I am so sorry I wasn't there, Santana. I am so sorry."

Still Santana didn't know what to say. She wanted to tell her that she didn't need her to take care of her, that she didn't need anyone to take care of her. She wanted to tell her that she's been fine. But instead what came out in a badly cracking voice was "Someone took his jacket. It was mine and I don't have it now. I don't have anything."

Brittany reached for Santana's hand, bringing it to her lips. She wanted to vow to find the jacket but she didn't. She would do all she could to find it but she wasn't going to tell Santana until after she did.

"You have me," she whispered, her voice barely audible. "You have me."

Santana was barely daring to hope that this was true. It would hurt too much if it wasn't one day. She tried to find a way to say this, but all she could do is squeeze her hand hard.

Brittany leaned in, brushing her nose against Santana's. She didn't want to kiss her yet but she wanted to show the connection was still there. 

"You don't have to decide if you want me back right now. But I'd really like you to let me draw you a hot bath and make you some lunch. Would that be ok?"

Santana paused, then nodded slowly, letting her head fall forward to rest against Brittany's. It had been so long since she had let herself be taken care of, since she'd even tried to trust someone enough to openly show that she wanted or needed it. It was so hard sometimes to be cared for, to be loved, that it almost seems preferable to behave as if she didn't want or need it at all, rather than hurt when it was not given.

Brittany just breathed in the same air as Santana and held her. She didn't want to move, didn't want to think about anything. She just wanted to provide as much comfort in this moment to Santana as she could. She wasn't there when Santana needed her. She failed her as a best friend, the one job she always thought she was best at. But maybe now she could make up for that failing. Maybe they could rebuild stronger than before.

Santana too was breathing her in, soaking up the moment of Brittany's presence. Part of her was terrified about what could happen if she let her go, if Brittany pulled away. What if she never came back?

"Pick out some pajamas to change into after your bath. I will go get it ready." 

Brittany leaned in, brushing her lips over Santana's as lightly as she could. She wanted to make sure that Santana knew where she stood and now that she did she would let Santana decide how to handle it. 

"I'll set up your bath. Then while you take it I can remake us lunch and change your sheets."

Changing sheets...Santana hadn’t done that in months. She hadn't eaten lunch in almost as long, at least not normally. She sat up slowly, her muscles protesting the move, and resisted her desire to touch her lips, where Brittany's kiss lingered.

Brittany walked out of Santana's room, heading to the bathroom. After straightening everything up as best she could without a deep clean she filled the tub with warm water, adding a small bottle of bubble bath she had in her own bag. She lit a few candles to make the room as relaxing as possible. She hoped a good long soak would help ease Santana's tense body and let her mind sort bits of itself out.   
"The bath is ready ba - er – Santana,” she called as she paused outside of Santana’s curtained off area of the loft, unsure if she should re-enter.

Santana hadn't gotten undressed yet, so Brittany wasn't intruding on anything private. She didn't notice the slip of her almost calling her baby; she was too lost in her own thoughts. Slowly she walked into the bathroom, giving a small smile at Brittany's efforts, and sank into the tub. The warmth of the water and the sweet scent of the bubbles relaxed her quickly, and she closed her eyes, leaning back in the tub and dozing off again.

Brittany stripped Santana's bed, using some Febreze on her comforter before putting on clean sheets and pillow cases. Whenever she was nervous she cleaned or neatened things. She had been like that since she was a little girl. At least right now she was putting the nervous stress to good use. She saw Santana's childhood bear on the floor beside the bed. The bear was named Oso, and it was chewed, almost bare of fur, and filthy from all the snuggles Santana had given it from the time she was a baby. Brittany smiled, her heart squeezing with a deeper rush of love for Santana. She had always thought it was adorable that the girl who tried to come across as so independent and badass was nineteen years old now and still kept her stuffed bear close. The bear had been with Santana longer than anything else. 

She carefully set him on the newly made bed. Once she finally got the bed remade she cleaned up Santana's room as much as she thought Santana would tolerate. Finally she headed to the kitchen, trashing her first attempt at lunch she made the meal again, hoping this time Santana would eat it.

Santana continued to doze lightly for another ten minutes or so, until her chin and then her nose started to sink under the water. When she got a mouth and nose full of bubbles she came awake with a snort, coughing and spitting it out with a confused, groggy scowl. She sat up all the way and starts to rinse out her hair.

Brittany looked at the candle she put in the middle of the table once more time. She didn't want any pressure to fall to Santana but on the other hand she wanted her to feel special. Like someone was willing to take the time for her again. She decided to leave it flickering as she went to knock on the bathroom door.

"San, lunch is ready," she called though the door. How had they gone from taking baths together to talking though doors?

Santana was in no hurry to get out of the bath, let alone eat. She gave her a slightly loud "Mmm," in response, but took her time in continuing to rinse her body and hair. It was with slow, languid movements that she got out of the tub, put her hair in a towel, and dressed in the first robe she saw, hanging on the back of the door. It was Rachel's and had little pink and purple hearts all over it, which Santana would normally mock relentlessly, but she didn't care at the moment.

Brittany jumped up from the couch when she saw Santana. "Do you want to eat first or change first?” she asked, putting her hands into the back pocket of her jeans to keep herself from fidgeting. The longer she and Santana went without really talking to each other the more and more nervous she felt. It felt so awkward and unnatural to her, when they had never needed to speak at all around each other before to feel at ease. Santana was letting her stay, but still Brittany couldn’t read her very well at all with what she was thinking or feeling.

Santana didn't want to do either. She didn't want to eat, especially in front of Brittany, who she knew would be watching every bite like a hawk, and she didn't want to change when that would require decisions and effort, and besides, her clothes were all dirty. However, with her wet hair and near nude state, she was chilly, and she wrapped the robe more tightly around herself. Berry would kill her for wearing it naked but whatever, like she cared.

"I'm fine."

"Don't lie to me,” Brittany said with surprising intensity, taking a step closer and keeping her suddenly icy blue eyes directly on Santana’s. “You can lie to everyone else and they will buy it because they don't know you. But don't lie to me. I know you. I can see you are hurting. And I know that most of that is because of decisions I made. So don't lie to me."

Santana knew this was true, but that didn’t mean she wanted to talk about it. Hugging herself a little more closely, her brow furrowing, she tried to deflect.

"I meant with changing or eating. I'm fine in this robe and I'm not hungry. I'm supposed to work in a few hours anyway."

"Oh," Brittany said softly, seeming to accept this. "I'm sorry." She paused, then added, “But you need to eat something, Santana. You know how you get when you forget to eat and then it snowballs. Do you really want to repeat what happened in high school?"

And there she was, saying it outright. Santana hated when Brittany brought this up. Hated it. If she had her way, she would never mention eating or food or weight or definitely, definitely not how this had all affected her in high school, ever. She could understand her concern, but couldn't she just pretend none of it existed?

No one else, with the exception of Quinn, was aware of how Santana had struggled in high school...to the point that the summer before junior year, she had actually been hospitalized for malnutrition and dehydration. No one but Brittany and Quinn knew that her time in the hospital had not been for the sole purpose of her breast implants; she had, in fact, only been given them at all after promising her parents that if they allowed her to get them, she would like her body enough to "stop being dumb about eating." 

What her parents hadn't realized was her increased eating and slight weight gain had only lead her to have more anxiety for her body, and hadn't decreased her efforts to control her weight at all. But Brittany bringing this up now was nothing she wanted to think about or remember, and she looked away from her, shrugging. 

"You know I took my boob implants out the summer before senior year."

Brittany took a deep breath to try to figure her thoughts out. How did you get to someone who put walls up meant to keep you out? And how did you not go too far with someone you were used to not having boundaries with?

"If you showed up in Boston and I was living like you have been living, how would you react? I can't see you hurting and not try to make it better. You're not eating and unless Rachel and you have been throwing major parties you and she or both of you are drinking too much judging by what I cleaned up in the kitchen." Brittany ran a hand though her hair as she tried to plead with Santana. "I wasn't there and I'm sorry, Santana. But I am here now. You just have to let me help."

Santana didn't even want to think about how she would have reacted if she walked into Brittany living her life. It would have scared her to no end, and she wouldn't have accepted it for a moment. She'd be reacting much more intensely than Brittany was and she knew it. Still, it felt different when it was her life they were talking about. It was hard to give up control entirely, when so much could happen to lose it again. 

"I'm eating."

Brittany walked over to Santana and slowly undid the robe. She looked over Santana's body, her eyes silently tracing where the missing curves should have been. 

"You are always going to be the most beautiful woman in the world to me. But you are missing so many of your curves. You aren't eating enough, Santana, and you know that. Deep down you know it." She ran her finger tips over Santana's ribs, feeling them far too well. "Please let me take care of you like I'd let you take care of me."

How could she resist this? That look of such concern in Brittany's eyes, the gentle touch of her fingers on her skin? How could she deny the truth of her words?

Santana shivered, swallowing hard, and averted her eyes, but she could still feel her in every way. Finally she almost whispered, "It's fucking hard."

Brittany slid her hands over Santana's hips, missing the fullness they once had. She missed the way Santana looked when she was healthy and eating like she should. She missed more the look in Santana's eye when she ate without any hesitation, the pride and confidence in herself that glowed from her from the outside in. 

"I know," she whispered, her hands stroking over Santana's skin as tenderly as they could. "But I am here now and I am not going to leave you again. I am going to be here for you. You don't have to stand alone anymore. I will be right next to you with my arm wrapped around your waist to hold you up when you can't stand. I will be your support."

Santana bit her lips, feeling her eyes fill again, and she looked down, then slowly looked back up, meeting Brittany's eyes. Brittany was still looking at her with love and understanding, like she thought she was attractive, like she wanted nothing more than for her to be okay. She slowly stepped forward, again letting her head come to rest against her.

Brittany's hands moved up and down Santana's back as she held her. “We survived. We could have moved on from each other but we never did. Because you’re my person and I’m yours. Because I can’t live life well without my person. Because the point of living is to find your one true love, to figure out how to make it work even when the world tries to break you apart.” 

Brittany felt a few tears fall but didn’t try to stop or hide them. “I don’t know how bad things have been but I can guess. I need you to give me permission to be together. To be your Brittany. For you to be my Santana. I promise that if you let me in this one last time we're going to get all of the unicorn wishes I promised to you."

Santana could feel Brittany's tears dropping on her head, and it made it that much more impossible to be able to resist her. Her arms went around her, and her own tears began to dampen Brittany's shirt as she fought her fears to be able to respond. Finally she nodded slowly.

"Thank you,” was all that Brittany could bring herself to say. 

Her arms tightened a little bit around Santana as she just breathed with her. She could feel each time Santana took a breath and soon the two of them were breathing in time with each other. This moment was the start of something new, the start of them being together as adults. She knew it wouldn't be smooth but Brittany would never give in to easy with someone else over hard with Santana.


	3. Chapter 3

"You need to eat,” she said softly, her thumb rubbing over the base of Santana’s spine. “ I won't make you call off work but I am going to walk you there and I'm picking you up at the end of your shift too."

Santana rolled her eyes at her, but didn't protest. She couldn't make Brittany not do it, after all. She tried one more time, very half heartedly, to deflect her, burying her face in Brittany's chest.

"I'm comfortable right here. Don't want to move."

"If you eat half of the grilled cheese on your plate before you're working I will do all your laundry for you," Brittany bargained. She hoped an offer of doing something she knew Santana didn't like would work. "And when we get back I will let you have some sweet lady kisses." 

She shifted a little to nuzzle Santana's neck. "I missed those, you know."

Santana considered this, thinking of just pretending to eat it and really throwing it away, but then shoved the thought aside, sighing, and nodded. "I missed it too," she admitted softly.

"Yeah?" Brittany asked, a little of her hopeful nature slipping in to her tone. "You missed having me there to roll you on your back and kiss you until you are breathless and then laugh for a full half hour over the first silly thing one of us says after?" She nuzzled Santana's neck, trying to lift her spirits.

Santana's lips curved into a smile, and she nodded again, her skin tingling. "Maybe."

"Maybe if you eat everything on your plate I will reward you by eating something of yours." Brittany was far from above using pleasure to make Santana do things that were for her own good. "It's been too long since I caused you to shiver for me."

That was definitely an enticing reward. Santana smiled a little more, giving her a light pinch. "You don't play fair at all."

"You're one to talk." Brittany titled her head a little, moving in range to give Santana the ability to kiss her. "You always somehow made your Cheerio skirt a little bit shorter when we were fighting to break me down."

"That's just logical strategy," Santana told her, smiling a little more. She noticed the lips near hers but didn't move just yet, though her head inclined a bit closer too.

"That is you exploiting my weakness for your legs. Making me unable to think because I could see your thighs."

Brittany moved her fingers up and down Santana's spine, barely putting any pressure at all as she went…definitely not fair. Brittany knew all too well about Santana's weakness for her spine being stroked and played with. She shivered even at this light touch, pressing more firmly against her, and she was happy to note that Brittany seemed distracted again.

"Be a good girl and eat for me so I can give you a reward. Because I haven't handed out a reward to anyone in nearly 6 months," Brittany told her, pulling back and fixing her eyes on Santana’s to note her reaction to this.

At this, Santana's eyes narrowed, and she pulled back too, searching her face. "You haven't had sex in six months?"

"I haven't had sex in 8 months. Six months since I've done anything more than kiss." Brittany winced a little bit. She knew no one would believe that she of all people would have been able to go so long without sex. "It's December and the last time I had sex was April, so yeah 8 months."

Santana stared at her, unbelieving as Brittany would think. She didn't think she'd lie to her, but it seemed unreal to believe, for sure.

"How? What about Guppy Face?"

"We broke up in April before I went to MIT, remember?" Brittany stroked the back of Santana's neck. "I went on a date in June with one of the guys from my dorm hall. He was sweet and charming and nice. I let me touch me. But it didn't feel right. So I just stopped dating. Besides, they kept me really busy…12 hour days, most of the time. I didn’t really have time to see anyone, let alone get to know them." 

Santana didn't remember. She had tried not to notice or think about anything to do with Brittany's romantic life...she never would have thought this possible of her.

"Weren't people all over you trying to ask you out? I mean, you're you."

Brittany laughed softly, giving a nod. "Yeah, I got hit on a lot. Like all the time. And I flirt a lot because I'm me. But I didn't want to just date random people, I didn't want to just hook up with anyone who would have me. I did that in high school and it didn't make me feel great. So I just took care of anything I needed myself. And like I said, I was busy….and I was thinking still of you.”

 

Santana considered this, stunned. Brittany had grown and changed in a way even she hadn't known or anticipated, and a part of her felt ashamed that she hadn't realized this. 

She looked her up and down, before offering, "I haven't had sex in two months." Since breaking up with Dani, after Finn.

"How was it being with someone who knew what they were doing? I mean college girls trying something new can't be all that great and I was mostly making it up as I went." Brittany held no judgement in her tone, she truly just wondered if it made a different to Santana that Dani was more experienced.

Somehow it seemed different to Santana, talking to Brittany about Dani, not like it was in high school to tell her about Puck or Finn. She shrugged, keeping her answer vague and light, not very comfortable.

"I mean, I liked her, she was good. But…you know."

"You were the best I ever had. Just you know, in case your ego wants to be stroked,” Brittany shared with her, her tone still neutral. Santana couldn’t tell, looking at her, whether she was having the same difficulty with this discussion or not. 

Oh, definitely her ego likes stroked. And every other part of her too. Normally she'd say so, but things are still a little strange and raw between them now, so Santana just smiled. "You always were a genius in a lot of ways."

"Oh yeah?" Brittany pressed a little more firmly to Santana's spine as she held her close. "Go eat for me. And then you and I can get our cuddle on or whatever else you decide you're ready for. I've waited this long, I can wait as long or short as you want me for."

Santana made a face into her chest, but pulled back reluctantly. She toyed with the idea of whining for something less fattening, but when she looked up at Brittany almost slyly, something about Brittany’s expression made it pretty clear she wouldn't get her way. She walked into the kitchen to examine the sandwich left for her.

"I promise that it's good. I had one when I was making yours. And I made the soup like you liked in high school." 

Brittany sat down across from Santana, trying not to watch her too intently. She didn't want to make her uncomfortable as she continued to talk to her, obviously trying to keep her distracted.

"So yeah, I kind of got into NYU." 

She had shared this with Santana before, but she hadn’t really gone into detail, and she wasn’t quite sure that Santana had really taken this in. 

Santana picked up the sandwich and started her usual ritual when she was nervous about eating, which was that she started picking the food apart as inconspicuously as she could. For every small bite she took, she pinched off two more pieces to be left on her plate or pushed to the side to possibly be later concealed. It was a habit she was almost unconscious of. 

When Brittany told her she got into NYU, she looked up quickly, distracted. As Brittany had suspected, although she has already been informed of this, with all the intensity going on between them, it hadn’t quite sunk in until she told her for the second time.

"Right…what are you there for? What is your major?"

"I'm stating the BFA program for dance," Brittany said proudly. "I want to do something with it and I don't know what yet. So going through this program will give me the contacts I need to either be a dancer or to be a choreographer. I’m still going to take some math stuff on the side but that's more for me than anything else."

Santana smiled at her genuinely, truly glad for her. "That's great, Britt. I'm proud of you." She paused, picking off another piece of crust, then added, "So...you really are staying here then?"

"In New York or in your apartment?" Brittany asked. "Because I just sent NYU a check for nearly a third of my savings so I need to stay in the city to go to school. And if you wouldn't mind me living here I can pay part of the rent. I want to be with the person I love."

Santana paused, part of her still fighting her urge to just say yes, to throw her arms around Brittany and never let go. She bit her lip, stopping at eating as she looked up at her. 

"I really want to say yes but..." but she was scared. But that has never been anything she could easily say aloud.

"If I don't live with you I'm going to have to find an apartment. NYU doesn't have dorms." Brittany wasn’t above using the facts to influence her. "I'd figure it out, I guess. Quinn offered me her spare room even if it would be a nearly hour and a half commute to get from New Haven to the city every day for classes." 

Once Brittany started laying it out to her like that, there was obviously only one solution. It was New York City, and Brittany barely knew her right from her left, let alone directions to anywhere complicated. It was fairly surprising, now that she thought about it, she had managed to track Santana down in her apartment. Santana didn't want her living alone, where she might be unsafe, especially after Finn. She didn't want her to commute that far every day either, and that left one choice.

"Britt...you can stay. I just...might need some time and some space. But you can stay."

"I can sleep on the couch and during the day if you don't want me around I can go to campus and work on my form or work out. I need to get into better shape." Brittany made a slight face. She was still in great shape for a normal person but to her she had let herself go. "I promise that it won't be weird. Well it might but I'll really try not to make it weirder."

How had they gotten to this point that this was even a question? Even as best friends it had never been anything but obvious that they would share every bed that presented itself to them, cuddling and giggling half the night.

Santana shook her head, telling her, "No, it won't be like that." She hoped.   
Brittany blushed as her hand slipped over to Santana's. "You want me to share a bed with you? Hold you every night and keep the darkness away?" 

There was nothing that Brittany wanted to do more than to hold Santana and keep all of the darkness away for her even if it only existed in her own thoughts. But she didn't want to assume that Santana would accept her so quickly back into her bed. Even if she'd already been there that day. Even if they were talking about sex already.

"I am trying not to pressure you here, San. If you want me to just be how I usually was with you then I can do that and I would love to, always. But you have to tell me if I push too far."

To be how she usually was...the way she's been today, already, in the small bursts that Santana had allowed it. To hold her and hug her and touch her, to kiss her and call her her baby, to give her every piece of herself she could manage to provide. Did Santana want this? It was all she wanted in the world, all she had ever wanted? But for her to take it now, against her fears of losing it all over again, would be almost as scary as telling her to leave entirely.

Eventually she reached to squeeze Brittany's hands, exhaling. 

"How about...we take it one day, one hour at a time. And see how we feel."

"I know what I want, San."

Brittany wanted love, and in a few years, marriage and a few years after that, kids. She wanted fights over paint colors and if Santana's bear really got to sleep in the bed with them. She wanted laughter at 3 in the morning and fights at 1 in the afternoon. She wanted to make love on rainy Sundays when life could just stop for a day. She wanted it all, and she hoped Santana could see that in her eyes as she said to her, "You have to tell me if it's too much. Because I'm all in. I've seen the world Santana and I am sure now more than I have ever been that you are at the center of my world."

This was too much for one day. It was somehow everything Santana ever dared to hope for in the darkness of sleepless nights and everything she feared, in the most doubtful parts of her soul. In one day she's been confronted with the past and present and future all at once, called out on her current weaknesses and held up for future strength, given love and affection and apologies and hope, and it's so much her head was still spinning.

Santana took another breath, shaking her head as she told her, "I'm just...there's so much in my head right now, and...and my heart."

"You're scared and that's ok. It's ok to be scared of what might happen, Santana. This isn't junior year. You aren't keeping me as a secret because you don't want people to know you're gay. This kind of scared is something I can't hold your hand and tug you through. But I can hold your hand and let you lead us to the other side. So that's what I'm going to do. You set the pace and I'll keep up." Brittany turned her hand over under Santana's and started to stroke her wrist lightly. "Now finish up all the little bits you took off your sandwich. You do it without thinking, I know."

How is it that Brittany can always find the perfect analogy to make everything seem to clear? Santana's fingers reached out to grasp hers, and she gave her a slightly bigger smile. That is until she mentioned the sandwich. Rolling her eyes, she picked up one piece and ate it. Some of it was without thinking, yes, but some of it was on purpose too.

"Rolling your eyes might work on less awesome people , Miss Lopez , but it has never worked on your favorite unicorn," Brittany teased, taking one of the torn off pieces and dunking it in the soup. "After years of the Santana Lopez and Quinn Fabray eye rolls I have become immune to their power. But they are very cute."

Santana rolled her eyes again, just to spite her, but she couldn't help but smile. She knew Brittany wasn't going to let her get away with continuing to pick at her food, let alone hide it, and as well intentioned as she knew this was, it only increased her anxiety. She really was going to make her eat it and sit there and watch until she did, wasn't she?

Brittany signed before pushing back from the table to give Santana space to sit on her lap.

"Come here babe." 

She gave Santana a tender smile, patting her leg. If she put Santana on her lap she wouldn't be watching Santana eat. She could stroke her spine and distract her from her anxiety as she finished her meal.

It was like junior year all over again. Santana knew this, knew exactly what Brittany was doing, and although a part of her was embarrassed that Brittany thought she needed it, embarrassed that she did need it, she was even more relieved that Brittany just knew and was offering. She got up slowly and sat on her lap, leaning back against her, and with Brittany's hands on her back, she was able to focus more on finishing.

"I am really nervous about my classes," Brittany told her, wanting to focus on something other than Santana to give her a bit of a break. "I haven't really danced in over a year. I mean last year in Glee I danced but it was never as complex as what we use to do. Mike wasn't there so I didn't have my dance bro to play off of. And you weren't there and you were always my favorite partner. Mostly because I like watching your hips when you move." 

Her fingers dug slightly into Santana's spine as they moved, giving her the pleasurable sensation she knew Santana liked.

Santana wasn't really listening to what Brittany was saying, so much as the soothing cadence of her words. She finished the sandwich, enjoying her touch on her spine, and then leaned back into her again, fighting the sleepiness that had taken over her suddenly and powerfully again.

"Why don't you go lay down while I clean up?" 

Brittany already had a plan forming in her mind but she needed Santana to be passed out for it to happen. There was no way Santana would let her do it willingly. Thankfully she waited tables in Boston so she wouldn't be totally lost. And dancing and singing wasn't a problem.

That would involve getting up, and again, Santana was not on board with this. Muttering something not quite intelligible, she yawned, curling up more fully on Brittany. Brittany couldn't help snorting as she moved to wrap her arms around Santana fully.

"Go to sleep, Santana. I've got you." 

She nuzzled her neck, breathing in the clean scent of the bubble bath Santana used. She just wanted to make it better for her. And that meant Santana sleeping while she took her shift.

Her head tilted back at a slightly awkward angle against Brittany's shoulder, Santana did that. She was warm, fed, and bathed, and she had Brittany's arms around her. How could she not sleep, considering?

Brittany sat there for a good hour just holding Santana and making sure she was in a nice deep sleep. She finally got up and tucked Santana into her bed. For a moment she just sat there and watched her, stroking her neck with the pads of her fingers. 

After making sure Santana was really asleep Brittany grabbed one of her uniforms and changed into it. It would be a little short but she would make it work. It wasn't like her Cheerio skirt wasn't shorter. She left two notes, one next to Santana and one on the door so if Santana missed that one she'd see one before she rushed out. Heading out into the city, she hoped she could be back before Santana woke up.  
88  
Santana was almost three hours late for her shift before she did wake up. By the time she pieced together the fact that she was late, she had already seen the note. Exasperated, she nevertheless couldn't help but smile as she dragged herself up and started to dress. Brittany was nothing if not stubborn.

Pretending to be Dutch, well more Dutch than she actually was, in order to get Santana's boss to feel sympathy and a connection with her so she can work her shift and make sure that Santana is still got paid today had to be one of Britney's more crazy ideas. But so far her shift at been going incredibly well. She was making incredible tips, mostly because she was getting in a mostly male crowd at this point. It was later at night and the dinner rush had ended. 

 

Brittany was finishing up with a customer when she heard the front door open, its chime announcing a customer ringing out. She turned her head to see Santana enter, coming up close to her. Giving her a smile, she told her, “Your boss thinks I’m from the Netherlands and I’m new to this country. And I’m taking your shift as a thanks for you helping me in this new country. So roll with it. Also I’m making crazy good tips today.”

Although Brittany had written to her that she was taking her shift, Santana had not exactly expected this to go down well. How would it look for a random blonde stranger to show up and announce she was working for Santana tonight? She'd be lucky if she wasn't fired. But once she had gotten herself to the diner, prepared to brace herself for the ax, she had been somehow not as surprised as she expected to see Brittany not only in her too small outfit, but also waiting tables as if she actually sort of knew what she was doing, without anyone challenging her. As the girl approached her, Santana blinked, then shook her head at her, smiling in spite of herself. 

"You can go home now."

"I could," Brittany nodded. "But I'm enjoying myself. And you could use a night off. Go home, put your feet up, enjoy a night where you're making money without doing anything." Brittany took Santana's hand, lacing their fingers together. "I am going to be working in the math lab next semester. I am not going to be able to flirt with cute guys and do numbers. Well in dance class but that's way different. I'm having fun. It's just for tonight anyway."

: Santana hesitated, looking down at their joined hands. She felt physically better after her two long naps, but she was still somehow tired, and she really didn't feel like working. But she also didn't want to leave Brittany. Part of her was afraid that if she went home, Brittany would never return.

"I'm not leaving you again. After the shift is over I'm coming home." 

How far they had fallen, when Santana couldn't trust that Brittany would always find her way home again. And home had been, for quite some time, at Santana side. She stood there trying to figure out if there was anything else she could say to make Santana’s mind stop and just give her a break. 

"Love you,” Brittany tried, her eyes on Santana’s.

And still, Brittany seemed to know what she was thinking, without her needing to say it. Somehow that was reassuring more than anything else could be, that even distance and time maintains this. Santana gave her a her a small smile back, and finally pulled away.

"Okay...."

Brittany smiled, glad she was able to get Santana to agree.

"I will bring home dinner. I haven't eaten yet this shift. Mostly because I'm worried if I do this uniform isn't going to hold me." 

Santana's smile became more genuine then, and she reached out a hand impulsively, brushing it over her arm. 

"I won't complain if you popped out."

"Maybe when I get home I can eat a cracker and the top will fly open,” Brittany grinned, barely stopping herself from reaching out to grab hold of Santana’s hand and pull her in close to her again. “Sound good?”

Santana smiled, then with some mischievousness tapped the case holding cookies.

"Want one?"

"As much as my tips for the night would go up, I shouldn't. I only have a few more hours, then I can go home, get out of this and into bed with you. I forgot that not all jobs mean I get to sit on a table and do math in crayon." 

"Spoilsport." 

A part of Santana was amazed that she was sort of flirting with Brittany, right there in the diner, as she took over her shift, no less. But it also was natural and right. She could hardly stop herself.

"This whole adult thing sucks. I miss back in high school where making out with you was like always number one on my to do list," Brittany laughed softly. The feeling of flirting with Santana again was making her feel slightly high, but in the best way.

Santana nodded emphatically, agreeing. 

"So...you'll come home after." Even though Brittany said this already, she still needs the reassurance.

Brittany nodded, willing to tell Santana as many times as she needed. "Yup. And if you are in the mood when I get there I might be persuaded to cuddle without the uniform on for a while. Skin to skin contact is still my favorite way to cuddle and sleep."

Santana's smile was a little more full on this time, and she ducked her head a little, reaching to squeeze Brittany's hand. Finally she backed out of the diner and headed back home.


	4. Chapter 4

“I was thinking about something last night after you fell asleep.”

Santana had been feeling a strange mixture of content and unsettled in the past few days. She couldn't deny how good it felt to have Brittany with her, rarely far from her side. She was sleeping better at night, feeling less anxious in the day, and coming home from work, reaching for alcohol wasn't her first thought. But part of her shrank back from really trusting and believing that this would last, that Brittany wouldn't snatch it back from her at the last moment, and it was enough that she couldn't fully enjoy. She still had difficulty eating, having seized control of the one thing she could always have an effect on, her body, since so much else seemed up in the air and beyond her ability to control. 

Lying with Brittany in bed, hip to hip, her head near her shoulder, she looked over at her as Brittany spoke. "What?"

"You and I have never really been out on a date together. I mean in Lima we'd go to dinner and then go back to your place or my place and have sex or take a bath together. But we have never really done the dinner and a movie or dinner and something. We always had homework to do too or cheer practice first." 

Brittany's fingers stroked Santana's shoulder as they laid together. She could never get over just how much of a thrill she got from seeing the contact in skin tones. It was like ice cream with caramel sauce. 

"So what I'm asking is will you go on a date with me?"

"We have too," Santana protested, moving herself a little closer, more firmly into her hand. "We went to Breadstix before...but yes. Okay. We can." She looked up at her under her eyelashes deliberately. "Drinks on you?"

Brittany bit her lip, her hand slipping down to Santana's waist. "God you know what it does to me when you look at me though your lashes San," she muttered, feeling every moment of the long months since she felt someone touch her. She tried to push that away, not wanting to put pressure on Santana. "Dinner on me. I want to take you to dinner and then to the museum. They have a star gazing thing that sounds super romantic."

Santana smirked a little bit, noting her gentle insistence on this date including dinner, and didn't comment. She knew Brittany was worried about her in this way. She made no promises, but nodded instead. "You like it because that part in the Lion King, don’t you?"

"You know me too well for my own good."  
Brittany dipped her head, kissing Santana's cheek. Her hand stroked slowly over the skin exposed when he t-shirt road up a little.   
"Can I tell you a secret?" 

She left a slightly goofy smile form on her lips. She missed this playful, holding each other in bed thing. So many afternoons of their senior year were spent tangled up like this. Some of her favorite memories in the world.

Santana's muscles twitched slightly in response to her, and her lips curved up at Brittany's kiss. She was a little distracted by her touch, so she was slow in answering. 

"What?"

"I'm in love with you," Brittany whispered with that same goofy grin on her lips, tucking a pierce of hair behind Santana's ear. "Totally in love with you. With the way that you laugh and the way that you pout. I'm in love with the little yawn you give about 6 at night. And God am I in love with the way you stretch each morning, cracking your back, before you get out of bed. All of you. I love it all. Good, not so good, Lima Heights, ballet girl, tomboy. I am hopelessly, unchangeably in love with you."

Santana's smile softened further, and she met Brittany's eyes, touched by the sincerity she saw there. Tentatively she reached out, laying her hand against her cheek. 

"Do you love when I don't wear socks because I think they're stupid and then rub my cold feet against you?"

Brittany couldn't stop herself from nodding. "I sorta do even if you're feet at like blocks of ice. Because it means you're in bed with me. And you in bed with me means that I have done something right that day and I am not banished to the couch."

Santana poked her toes against her just to be playful, one dimple showing in her cheek.

"Well, that's my only flaw, so you're in luck."

Brittany playfully rolled her eyes. "You drool in your sleep sometimes. But lucky for you I think it's kinda cute. And I've had other fluids from you on me so a little spit isn't going to gross me out."

"I do not," Santana protested, disgruntled at the suggestion. "You talk sometimes!"

"I dance sometimes too," Brittany smirked. She knew her night time things. More than a few times growing up, her sister shook her awake at 3 in the morning with her complaints. "You ground against my hip one night. Though I am still not sure you were sleeping."

Santana's face flushed, and she tried to smirk, hiding it. "Definitely not." She had been, though.

"Do you miss sex with me?" Brittany asked, tilting her head a little. "I don't want you to feel any pressure. Just being next to you is enough for me right now. But do you miss it?"

Of course she missed it. Santana had never felt as close to another person as she did with Brittany, having sex with her, and with her increased need now to find ways to assure herself she can be close to her, that even when they are apart, she hasn't left forever, her desire for sex with Brittany has definitely been in her mind. But she has held herself back, afraid of what could happen if she let down this wall. 

She sighed, giving a small nod. "Of course."

"Good, not just me then." Brittany ran her finger tips down Santana's side, settling her hand back on bare skin. "We don't have to do anything. A few sweet lady kisses and some private time in the shower and I can make it through just about anything." 

She missed Santana's weight on top of her after. The feeling of nothing between them, of connection.

Santana's hand reached for Brittany's, guiding it slowly over her stomach. She was quiet, pressing it up her towards her breasts. Brittany's hand opened, cupping Santana lightly. She looked at Santana's face while she stroked with the pads of her fingers. Her other hand gripped the bedsheets, trying to keep her grounded. Santana's eyes closed, her heartbeat beginning to speed up in response to Brittany's touch. She opened her legs slightly, a wordless invitation for Brittany to settle over her.

Brittany moved slowly, giving Santana as much time to stop her as possible. She hadn't expected her question to spark this; more so she wanted to make sure she was still sexy to Santana. She settled over her, her lips instantly finding a small patch of freckles on Santana's neck. A throaty sigh escaped Santana's lips as she bared her neck to Brittany. She shifted again, relaxing under her, one hand slowly drifting up Brittany's side.

Brittany knew how to make Santana feel good. Years of training when she was at a healthy weight, an unhealthy one, when she was angry and drunk and when she was happy and sober and everything in between taught Brittany how to bring pleasure from the depth of Santana's being. She took her lip, her lips slowly marching across her throat. 

"Mine," she whispered as her hand slowly moved under Santana's shirt.

This was definitely what Santana liked. Being talked to, hearing verbal affirmation paired with physical touch, was the sexiest, most connecting thing for her about being with Brittany in this way. Her spine rolled slightly up in response to her touch as she groaned again.

Brittany moved one hand between Santana and the bed, two fingers dragging up and down her spine.   
"You are so beautiful," she whispered, her body starting to wake up from its long vacation. "Those black shorts you wore last night nearly make me rush to the bathroom. Total tease, baby."

Each of Santana's vertebrae rose and came back as her back continued to arch in an almost wave like motion with Brittany's touch, and she gasped in response to her, even giving a near hiss of enjoyment. She rocked her hips into Brittany's, fumbling for her wrist to wrap her fingers around it. She didn't pull Brittany's hand to her shorts' hemline, but she was open to her touching for sure.

Brittany moved her hand away from Santana's breast where it had been playing. She leaned back off of her enough to toss her own shirt on the floor before locking eyes with Santana. 

"Can I take your top off? I really want to take your top off."

Santana nodded immediately, even lifting herself up on her elbows to try to assist her in having better access. Brittany tossed Santana's shirt on the floor next to hers.

"The best view of New York. That's what I have right now." 

She bent down, placing wet open mouthed kisses all over Santana's chest. She loved her breasts, for years she had. The silicon having been removed only making her more attracted to Santana. She found the small scars, using her tongue to trace them.

Santana had always been self conscious of her breasts. She had thought them too small, embarrassingly so, when she was a young teenager, then, after having had implants, the condescension they had earned her had embarrassed her even more than their previous size had, to the point she had begged for her parents to remove them after only one year. Now the scars left, along with their renewed rather modest size, is something she is self conscious about as well. So for Brittany to still compliment and seem to genuinely find them attractive, even after all she's put them through, is something she appreciates.

Brittany was a fan of tits. Always had been. And there was no pair she had thought about, dreamed about, studied, more than Santana's. As her tongue traced over scars and around nipples, lips sucking softly and then not so softly, she found herself more and more turned on.

"My favorite things to play with. Even more than my iPad."

She winked up at Santana, lifting herself up to kiss her. Her breasts pressed against Santana's as her hand snaked between them, toying with the band of Santana's shorts.

Already Santana was getting pretty worked up. She was breathing audibly, and when Brittany kissed her she returned it enthusiastically, sucking on her tongue and lower lip and biting down not quite so playfully. She scratched her nails over Brittany's back and shoulders, pressing her closer to her.

"Do you want me to go down on you or use my hand?" Brittany asked, doing her best not to break the kiss. 

She would enjoy either option. One offered a more explosive orgasm and the other the ability to kiss. Neither option would leave Santana unfulfilled, at least in Brittany's own opinion of her talents.

If she uses her hand, then she doesn't have to be separate from Brittany's mouth on other areas. 

"Hand," Santana managed, muttering this into her mouth. She didn't want to pull back even to come up for air.

Again Brittany shifted, arching herself to give her room to push off her shorts and to pull down Santana's. Her fingers were slightly hesitant as they moved slowly around Santana's belly button, floating slowly southward.

"I'm crazy wet," she muttered against Santana's lips, nipping at her bottom lip.

Santana had already soaked through her underwear, without even being touched yet at all. Her hand twitched with the desire to reach to pull Brittany's hand down further.

"Someone is needy tonight," Brittany whispered as she stroked Santana over her underwear. She moved her fingers lightly, wanting to tease her a little bit. "Someone needs to get off with her girlfriend or she might explode, is that right?" Her lips moved to Santana's neck again as her hands lowered Santana's underwear.

Normally, the word "needy", even in the sexual sense, no matter how true it might be, would tense Santana up again, not liking the connotation. But tonight she was so turned on that even this didn't get to her like it normally would. She moaned again, gasping out Brittany's name as her nails dug into her skin. Brittany shifted herself so her underwear joined Santana's on the floor. A thigh moved between Santana's for her to grind on as fingers started to press between her thighs. 

"I love you." 

She started to suck on Santana's neck. The hand not touching Santana between her legs was used for both support to keep Brittany up and to rub Santana's spin near the spot between her shoulder blades. 

"I haven't been this turned on in a year, maybe since that night in your room senior year. The night where I passed out for like 90 seconds after I came."

Santana rubbed herself nearly frantically against Brittany's thigh, sharp cries escaping her continuously now. Her juices were dampening Brittany's skin, slick against her, and as she lost more and more inhibition, she didn't care in the moment how open and vulnerable she really was, how she was putty in Brittany's grasp.

"Fuck …Santana…."

Brittany ground down against Santana's thigh. She took one of Santana's hands and slid it where she wanted it, pressing against her. She didn't move as franticly as Santana did, barely able to hold back from the near frantic pace Santana was demonstrating. 

"You are so wet. Is it for me, are you wet because of me?" she asked, lips moving to glide over Santana's breasts.

"Fuck," Santana breathed, the words ragged with her rapid breaths, her chest heaving. 

She slid two fingers inside Brittany, letting her guide her hand where she wanted it, as she continued to rock herself against Brittany at a fast pace, building friction until she was sure she really was about to explode. Brittany whimpered as she rolled and rocked her hips.  
"Santana." 

She kept breathing out her lover's name, wanting her to understand just who was causing such a reaction. She both wanted Santana to feel loved and she wanted her to feel sexy. Not always easy to do though grunts and finger thrusting.

"The first time I ever had a real orgasm it was with you… No one else knew how to touch me. No one can get me this wet. Just you. Always you."

It's this that pushed Santana over the edge. Hearing that Brittany, as many people as she's had sex with, has only really been turned on by her, sent a rush of adrenaline through her that ended in her climax, crying out Brittany's name. She squeezed her hips as she pushed up against her, wanting to feel herself as close to her as she can in this moment.

The press of Santana to her, the way her fingers hooked, the cry of her own name all compounded the arousal inside of Brittany. With a few second lag behind Santana she came, her mouth hanging open as she grunted Santana's name out, her hips moving as if she were on a dance floor. She slumped to Santana's chest, for a moment just laying limp.

Santana too remained limp and relaxed against Brittany as her breathing slowly began to even out, her body warm and pliant beneath the blonde's. She was smiling, her muscles occasionally twitching with delayed response to her pleasure...and then as her lazy, nearly stunned thoughts began to sharpen, anxiety began to stir. 

She's just had sex with Brittany. She's had sex with Brittany for the first time in years, the first sex that's mattered in years, and it was amazing, just like she remembered. It was amazing and what if it never happened again? What if this was it? What did this even mean? What if they loved each other just as much as before, and she gave herself over to her feelings for her and she still lost her again, or if she lost herself and she wasn't good enough for her, she's too much for her, she pushes her away or makes it all wrong and it's all her fault?

As this panic began to flood through her veins, pushing up to choke her throat, tears started to stand behind Santana's eyes, and her lazy hold of Brittany became a clutch. She turned her head so her face was buried against her neck.

The suddenness of how quickly she was being clung to saddened Brittany more than it surprised her. She hoped the sex would cement how much she wanted Santana and not raise up fears of loss inside of her. She wrapped her arms around Santana and rolled them both over, wanting to put Santana on top where she wouldn't have to worry about her weight crushing her.

"I'm not going anywhere. I love you. I am in love with you. I am right where I want to be. I am your girlfriend. You are my girlfriend. We're safe Santana. You're safe."

Santana kept her face in Brittany's neck, a few tears escaping. She felt needy in a way she couldn't voice, and although she heard Brittany's words and tried to accept them, she was still teary, sniffling against her skin. She molded herself into her as close as she could get, her heart beating fast against the blonde's.

Brittany started to stroke up and down Santana's spine. The way she pressed now wasn't the way she pressed before to tease. She was doing it to soothe, to connect, to remind Santana she was real and solid. 

"Well sometimes I go out by myself and I look across the water," She sang the words to the song she always sort of felt was their song.

Santana could feel the reverberation of Brittany's voice in her as she sang, against her own skin. She swallowed, her face still pressed against her, soaking up her warmth, and mouthed the next line against her skin. Brittany gave a small smile as she supplied the next line. She missed Santana's singing voice, feeling the warmth of her vocals. There was nothing to her sexier than Santana wearing one of her shirts, sitting on her bedroom floor with her, singing along to a song on one of their iPods.

Santana's grip on her loosened, and she relaxed gradually, the tears stopping. She didn't lift her face, though, and she didn't move away, wanting to remain tucked in against her. Brittany kept stroking her back much like she would have done to Lord Tubbington if he were laying on top of her.


	5. Chapter 5

"I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that was top 3 best orgasms of my life."

Santana smiled, finally breaking her silence. "What was number 2?"

Brittany felt a shy smile appear on her lips. "The first time we were together and sober. Sophomore year, I think. The first time you touched me and I knew it wasn't the alcohol in your blood. I knew you wanted me. I knew it was you doing it and not Puck egging you on."

Santana's hand settled over the small of Brittany's back and she rubbed her thumb over it gently. "I remember that."

"Do you remember the hickey I had to hide for like 17 days you left on my neck?" Brittany asked softly. "Because I had to get a brand new concealer just to keep hiding it."

Santana snorted then against her neck, grinning. "I will never forget that. My best accomplishment."

"Do you want to know what my number 1 is?" Brittany asked, her hands resting on Santana's ass and the back of her neck.

Santana nodded against her, against tucking her face into her neck's crook as she adjusted herself over her slightly. "What?"

"Do you remember the night you asked me if we were dating? And I told you we better be because I ordered shrimp?" Brittany asked softly. "That night. That night because I had everything I wished for on the last 3 birthday cakes. I was dating the woman of my dreams. And when you touched me that night it felt different than it had before even if I thought we were already dating."

Santana hadn't known then that Brittany had wanted her for so long. She tightened her grip on her, inhaling sharply, and breathed her in. Brittany was trying so hard now to make her feel special and loved, to prove to her that she will not leave, and she tried to take this in and believe.

"That was my favorite too."

"I held you all night. I didn't move or sleep. I just held you. I didn't want to close my eyes and risk having it all be a dream. It felt so much like the dreams I use to have junior year. When never felt right and I'd dream of us together. But the sun came up and you were still in my arms. Then you asked me to make you pancakes. And for the first time in my life I was sure I found the person I'd marry one day." 

Brittany whispered the last part out, not wanting to scare Santana. She didn't want her to think she was close at all to asking her to get married. She wasn't ready yet.

That last part caused her to tense up again before she made herself try to relax. She squeezed Brittany's arms, breathing out, and tried not to think of that at all. It was difficult enough to get through the aftermath of sex right now, let alone thinking ahead to any possible future.

"I'm not ready. I don't plan to ask you until at least 25. Or until I'm done with my degree," Brittany reassured her. The idea of marrying Santana was amazing but she had things she wanted done before a ring rested on either of their left hands.

Santana gave a small nod in response to her. Her fingers entwined with Brittany's, and she squeezed, relaxing against her again after this comment.

"I don't start classes until the end of January. But on the third Monday I start at the math lab," Brittany muttered, wanting to let Santana know how her life would work for the next month. "I'm pretty much living off my savings until I start being paid to be smart." 

"That's cool," Santana told her in a murmur, tracing her knuckles with one finger. 

She didn't tell her that she herself was struggling to make rent. She was having to pay off some debt she had accumulated, and living in New York, even in a cheap loft, was not at all affordable. The three jobs she was holding at the bar, strip joint, and diner were not exactly equal tip makers, and lately, she was sucking at making good tips on all of them, because she hadn't felt like actually trying to endear herself to anyone.

"I can cover my third of the rent. That should help you and Rachel out… do you want to give joint gifts this year? It's one of the things I always sort of liked about being a couple. You can give gifts to someone from the relationship as a whole."

It was like Brittany could read her mind. She couldn’t, could she? 

"You don't have to," Santana told her, but she sounded perfunctory even to her own ears. Honestly, it had put quite a strain on them both when Kurt moved back to Lima, even though he swore it was only temporary. 

"If I'm going to live here I'm paying my share of the rent and the bills. It's only fair." Brittany ran her hand though Santana's waves of hair. "Besides I worked a lot in Boston in between classes and the other stuff I was into. I have a lot saved up right now and I'll be making really good money for a college job when I start the math lab. Besides we're 20 now, both of us, it's time we moved into the adult portion of the relationship."

"I don't know what being an adult has to do with buying gifts together," Santana said, but again this was half hearted. She didn't mind it, but she did feel like she needed to at least verbally resist.

"Yup." Brittany nodded. "Buying gifts and apartment stuff and food together. All part of the deal." She traced shapes on to Santana's back as they laid together. "All of the stuff that is boring and mundane when you do it alone but when you do it with your super hot girlfriend it's fun."

Santana had to admit that shopping with Brittany is much more entertaining than looking for the boring things her friends and family like on her own. Her muscles rippled slightly in response to Brittany's tracing, and she gave a small shiver, moving in closer against her. 

"Okay, I guess so."

"You guess so?" Brittany chuckled as she kissed over Santana's shoulder. "I already got you a gift. So don't go through my computer bag. And it's wrapped so if you do you won't see it." Lazy kisses were again pressed to tan skin. "Do you want to go home for Christmas or stay in New York?"

Like she could answer a question that involved thought with Brittany stroking her shoulder, kissing her skin. Santana's brain shut down on any thought outside of this as she managed in a gasp, "'Kay..."

"God you are easy. I should ask you to spill all of your secrets while I kiss your skin. It's like that potion in Harry Potter that makes you unable to lie." Brittany nuzzled Santana's neck, her hand drifting over her spine. "Do you want to go again or should I stop now?"

Oh that would be so unfair. So. Damn. unfair. Because she thinks that Brittany is absolutely right. Of course she didn't want her to stop touching her, kissing her, but the most she could manage was a faint head shake and another throaty noise escaping her at Brittany's touch.

Brittany slipped out from under Santana and moved behind her, pale skin resting over tan as she started kissing up and down Santana's back. It was like one big erogenous zone on Santana and she knew it.

"Are you really happy I'm in New York, baby? Are you happy I came home? Because where you are will always be my home."

So. Unfair. Brittany knew damn well that Santana couldn't resist her focusing on her back like this, especially not when she dragged her lips over the base of her spine. Breathing rapidly, she found herself answering hoarsely, her voice seeming outside of herself more than chosen by her to be spoken. 

"Yes...yes...."

"That's my girl." Brittany rested her chin on the base of Santana's spin as she looked up, her fingers digging in just slightly as they moved. "How much porn did you watch when you were waiting for me to come home, San? How many nights did your hands wander and your thighs shake?"

There was no way she could give an entirely honest answer to this, because the answer was pretty much every night she didn't actually have sex with a live person. Santana informed her of this, her thighs actually quivering now from Brittany's attention. 

"A lot...just...a lot..."

"Yeah?" Brittany started kissing up her spine, moving her longer frame up over Santana. Her breasts pushed against her back as she moved. "I burned out two vibrators in Boston watching our tape every night. God, the way you look when you cum is magical. More magical than even a unicorn." She ran her teeth over the base of Santana's neck. "Are you hurting financially right now?"

Santana couldn't watch their video, not when Brittany was gone. It had hurt too much, brought back too many memories, and it would have made her even more depressed and angry that she wasn't there in person. 

When Brittany nipped her lightly, Santana writhed beneath her, crying out, and only subconsciously heard and answered her question.

"Yeah..."

"Santana. I want you to think about the question I’m going to ask you now and answer honestly." Brittany used a tone of voice rarely heard by anyone outside of Santana in their bedroom. "Because if you lie to me then I stop touching and I start tickling you until you have blue balls for the next week."

Santana knew she would, and she knew too what torture this was for her. She would burst out in helpless laughter and never get her itch scratched satisfactorily at all, and Brittany would stick with it. Swallowing heavily, she waited, trying harder to listen this time.

"Will." Brittany pressed a kiss to the back of Santana's neck. "You." The second kiss was paced half way on top of the first. "Let." Another kiss was pressed, this time a little lower. "Me." A forth kiss pressed, this time teeth nipping skin. "Help." The teeth nipped a little hard. "You?" The lips giving the kiss sucked softly, leaving a hickey.

Santana's inner thighs were damp, and she squirmed at each kiss, until her legs were twitching and jerking by the time Brittany started to nip her skin. She was almost panting now, her hands fisting the sheet beneath her, and again she answered without full concentration, on impulse. 

"Y-yes..."

"That's my girl."

Brittany knew Santana would never agree to help without a little motivation. And there was no bigger force between them than the love and passion they shared. A hand slipped under Santana, two fingers and a thumb going to work. Brittany's hips rocked against Santana's butt as she started nipping up and down her spine. 

"Sing for me Santana. I need to hear your voice."

Santana hasn't sung since Finn's memorial, when she can help it, and on a few occasions since the diner. It was difficult for her to sing now without becoming overly emotional, and no songs were coming to mind. With Brittany's fingers inside her, her skin seeming to be almost at one with hers, she was brought back in time to one song, only a few words sticking to mind that she gasped out, barely above a whisper. 

"Well I've been afraid of changing 'cause I've built my life around you..."

Brittany pressed her body closer to Santana's, a few tears leaking out at the fear in Santana's voice. There was a pain that came with her singing that scared Brittany. Honest to God scared her. Her fingers never stopped moving though as she moved her head to rest on Santana's shoulder as she moved against her and moved without her. 

"But time makes you bolder, children get older, and I'm getting older too."

"And I see my reflection in a snow covered hill," Santana whispered, her hips continuing to move in rhythm with Brittany's in time with her finger's thrusts. She fumbled for Brittany's hand, covering it with her own as she guided her, wanting to touch herself at the same time.

“Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life?”

Brittany’s voice cracked as she felt Santana’s hand covering her own. A whimper escaped her as she felt Santana press up against her to fit her hand between the bed and her body. A shutter ran through her as her body took in the sound and sight under her. 

“I . . . never let go of my hand, baby,” she begged slightly before she came, her hand stuttering in its smooth motion for a second.

Santana didn't want to. She never truly had. It took her longer, another couple of minutes past Brittany, but when she came a few minutes later it was satisfying, trembling through her up her spine and down her limbs. She lay back, wanting Brittany to be over her, weighting her down pleasurably. Brittany made no effort to move her hand. 

"I don't do well when I don't have you,” she told her softly. “ I don't know how to interact with the world on my own. My brain works differently and sometimes I get scared. I get scared and I shut down. I did it when you were in Kentucky and I did it when I was in Boston. I know you're scared of opening yourself up again but I'm scared of not ever holding your hand again. It's the only place I've ever truly felt normal."

Santana gets scared too, and shutting down or lashing out when scared are the only ways she's ever really known how to cope. Except with Brittany. With Brittany she has dared to let herself be soft and genuine and open so wide it hurts, even if she doesn't quite know how to say this in words. 

"You have my hand now."

"I have your hand now." 

Brittany pressed a kiss to Santana's shoulder before her head went back down. For a moment she did nothing but breathe and feel Santana's heart beat though her back.

"Do you know the song, She Keeps Me Warm?" she asked softly.

Santana's breathing was slowing, her eyes growing soft, half shut beneath Brittany as her body went loose and limp beneath her. When Brittany spoke, the soft tickle of her voice in her ear and the soothing sensation of her heartbeat against her back made her smile.

"Yeah...you're doing a good job with it."

"I want to sing that for you sometime. I learned how to play it and I want to sing it to you. You sang me a song once in the Glee room and I never really got to return that favor…. the first line is so us, San. You are safety and home to me."

"Sing it," Santana told her, eyes fully closed now beneath her.

It's something of an understanding between them, even before now; Santana, who is easily cold in air conditioned buildings, cool nights, and early mornings, has always "stolen" Brittany's warmth from her.

"She says I smell like safety and home. I named both of her eyes “Forever” and “Please don’t go”. I could be a morning sunrise all the time, all the time yeah. This could be good, this could be good." 

Brittany stayed on top of Santana and let her body heat soothe her girlfriend as she sang. The ideas that she was physically warming Santana up always made Brittany feel extra special. 

"And I can’t change, even if I tried. Even if I wanted to."

All her life, Santana's tried to change. She's struggled with herself, her body, her sexuality, her skin color, ethnicity, popularity level, and how to make others like or love her. Nothing has ever seemed enough, nothing she has done has ever seemed to matter, until Brittany. Brittany made it all almost meaningless.

Brittany continued with her a cappella version of the song. “My love, my love, my love, my love. She keeps me warm, she keeps me warm.” 

She slowly faded out as her fingers pulled out of Santana’s body. One hand stroking the other woman’s thigh, she closed her eyes, loving more than anything how Santana’s body slowly leeched heat from hers, how the other woman’s eyes half closed, her breath deepening against her skin.


	6. Chapter 6

Brittany looked at herself in the bathroom mirror one last time. Her dress was flowy and black, the fabric shifting just the way she wanted around her knees when she moved. She had heels on, 3 inches so she could walk if Santana wanted to later. She had her hair back and her makeup on. She was ready. 

She was also nervous. 

Even if taking Santana out on a date was something she shouldn’t be nervous about. The few phone calls she made earlier to call in a reservation and a favor made her hopeful Santana would enjoy the evening she planned. Brittany had planned dinner at a beautiful Italian restaurant and then a private show at the museum. Just them and the stars. 

She exited the bathroom, moving to the living room to wait for Santana to come out. “Ready when you are San.”

Santana was nervous too. Somehow this seemed very important to her, going on a real date for the first time in the six years she's known Brittany. She couldn't mess this up, she couldn't do something that would make it fail, and she had to look perfect for her, act perfect for her. As illogical as she knew this was, and as much as she knew, deep down, that Brittany loved her exactly for who she was, at her worst and best and everything in between, she still wanted to try hard for her.

She had been fussing with her hair for thirty minutes, unhappy at the way it was waving rather than curling, and she kept looking at her thighs and stomach in the mirror, insecure at the tightness of her dress across them. Finally she exhaled, opening the door, and stepped out. 

"Okay." She looked Brittany up and down and her smile softened as she took her in. "You look amazing."

Brittany looked up from her phone to thank Santana but as she did her breathe was taken away. 

“Whoa.”

Santana looked amazing. Brittany usually thought she did anyway but this was a whole other league. She moved from the couch over to her girlfriend, dipping her head to press a cheek to Santana’s cheek, careful not to blemish her makeup. 

“You look beautiful, Santana. Out of this world beautiful.”

Her heart fluttered inside of her chest, her hand slipping down to find Santana’s. For a moment Brittany just stood, taking in all that was a dressed up Santana. 

“I got us a table at Fitzcarraldo,” she finally regained her senses, able to think after all the blood rushed out of her head upon seeing Santana dressed so beautifully. “And then a little treat for you. But the after dinner entertainment is a surprise.”

She grinned, hoping that her idea worked as well in real life as it did in her head.

Santana flushed at Brittany's response, a smile curving her lips, and she looked down, at first somewhat shy by her reaction. She squeezed her hand, telling her sincerely, "You're more than beautiful. You're the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen in my life." 

With Brittany' hint of a treat and surprise, she raised her eyebrows, smirking. "Ohh?"

"I try," Brittany shrugged, though her smirk gave her away. "I was looking at their menu while you were finishing up. The tasting menu sounds amazing. But all the food sounds amazing." She was excited about this, not just because she hoped the food was so good Santana didn't even think about not finishing her plate. "Oh, I got you something too." She kissed Santana's hand before grabbing some roses she had hidden under her jacket. "For you, Miss Lopez."

Santana's eyes lit up, and her expression melted, dimples flickering in and out of view. She took the roses, her eyes still soft, as they were the first ones she's ever been given. Coming forward, her hand cupped Brittany's cheek as she kissed her.

"Thank you so much."

Those dimples were always Brittany’s downfall. Their appearance made her weak in the knees, but she kept herself from melting too far into the floor. 

“Those dimples, I know I’ve done well when I get those dimples. I got them the last time I gave you flowers, your prom corsage.” 

For a moment she let herself remember how much that night meant to her. She let herself remember how dancing with Santana in front of a room full of their friends and peers made her so proud to be Santana's girlfriend. 

“Ready to go, honey?” she asked, her eyes searching Santana’s.

Santana nodded, but she was not really ready, not until she found a vase and put the roses in water and carefully set them in the center of her and Rachel's messy table, pushing everything else aside so it was not crowded. Reaching for Brittany's hand, she walked with her. Brittany sat in the back of the cab, Santana at her side. Her hand interlaced with Santana’s, the joined hands settled on her thigh. 

“You know I thought by now I’d be used to it. Being able to hold hands. But every time we do it feels so good. I like that holding your hand is enough to make me grin for an hour

Santana felt the same way about it. Every time Brittany touched her, hell, every time she looked at her with a certain look on her face, it made her feel soft and strangely open in a way that was sometimes scary, but always amazing. She smiled at her, rubbing her thumb slowly over the back of her hand as she looked down at it. 

"I guess since it's us."

"I think being so open with holding hands and stuff feels good because we put so much energy into hiding it for so long." Brittany pressed a tender kiss into Santana's temple. "Now the world knows just who I belong to every time you take my hand. Or grab my ass."

Santana's eyes were almost glowing as Brittany kissed her, soaking up this affection. She grinned, leaning her head on Brittany's shoulder. She wanted everyone to know. She didn't want Brittany to ever touch anyone but her, ever.

"That grin looks good on you babe."

Brittany rested her head against Santana's. She turned quite as the driver brought them closer to the start of their night. 

"Did you bring your fake id or are you going to just be Santana tonight?"

To answer her question, Santana reached inside the small purse she had with her, producing her newer, more expensive fake ID- the one that also identified her as Santana Lopez. She winked, waiting for Brittany to catch on.

"I'm impressed." Brittany looked closer at it. "Better photo than your last one. It looks like a real ID photo and not something someone hot glued on. But then most bartenders look at your smirk and not the ID." She handed it back before pulling out her own. "Susan Brittany Pierce. The guy that made it for me was pretty high in his defense."

So they're drinking tonight then. Santana noted this without comment, examining Brittany's.

"Shall I call you Susie? Or just Susie Q? Oh that should so be Quinn."

"I called her Lucy Q once. She looked at me like I grew a second head before she started laughing. She's really sort of grown since high school." Brittany ran a hand over Santana's thigh, enjoying the skin on skin contact. "She helped me out a lot when I was in Boston."

Santana was definitely enjoying the contact too. It's about all she could do not to push Brittany's hand up her skirt, in fact. She gave a slight shiver, swallowing as she asked her, "How did she help?"

"She and I would go see each other sometimes on weekends. I'd lay in her bed or she'd lay in mine and we'd just talk. About you, about Beth, about high school. She and I have a long history together, all three of us do." Brittany's hand traced things on Santana's skin as she spoke. "It was nice having someone who knew how bad I had it for you and how long."

Santana was quiet, thinking of this. She had been avoiding Quinn for some time now, more or less since they had sex, but much more so when Quinn didn't come to Lima for the memorial. She wondered if Quinn had told Brittany they had sex, and what Brittany thought if she had. It was strange for her to think of the two of them talking about her when she was not there.

"She told me about you two," Brittany said, as though reading her mind, still fingering Santana’s thigh. "I'm not upset. I was because I worried that she might try to take you away from me. She's about the only other person I was ever threatened by. I mean she is beautiful and smart and she knows you nearly as well as I do. I never slept with her so I can't judge her there though."

"I am so not talking about Quinn in bed with you," Santana said quickly, holding up the hand not entwined with Brittany's and giving an uncomfortable laugh. "As long as she said I was awesome and I rocked her world, that's enough."

Brittany snorted, unable to help herself. "She did mention how you were, but she made me swear I wouldn’t tell you her thoughts." She leaned in, kissing Santana's cheek to show there were no hard feelings. "I will say I sort of wish I was there too."

"Ha, that would have really been a fun night," Santana had to smile at this too, grateful that Brittany seemed at ease. "All we have to do is get her drunk again, start a rant against men, and she'd totally go for another round. Guaranteed."

"I'll have to keep that in mind when she comes to visit," Brittany shook her head her laugh flowing easy. She liked how quickly they managed to solve this. "Just tell me I'm better. You know, for my poor ego."

Instead, Santana ran her fingers up Brittany's neck, through her scalp, and then over her lips before kissing her. 

"Do I have to tell you?"

Brittany whimpered at the gesture. "You are really too good at making my brain go fuzzy. Remind me to have sex with you before I try to do my math work so I don't end up answering Santana's boobs to all the problems,” she winked, pulling back to grab money for the cabbie once he stopped.

Santana winked, realizing her slip of speech, and runs with it. "Okay, I’ll totally remind you to have sex with me."

She has never understood why Brittany still seems so enraptured with her boobs, now that they're so imperfect to her, but the girl still seemed to bring them up a lot. Getting out, she reached to take Brittany's arm in hers.

It didn't take long for them to be seated, Brittany across from Santana. The menus were the same as the ones online thankfully. 

"Everything sounds really, really good. I'm going with either the roasted lamb or the fish stew. What about you, San?"  
Santana flipped through the menu, torn between the food that does indeed look amazing, and her struggling inclination to try to keep her intake down and the calories as low as she can manage. She took some time to answer. 

"I'm not sure."

She didn't want this to become a damper to their night. She knew how hard Brittany was working to make this a wonderful night and she wanted it to be, for them both, so badly. Brittany just nodded, not wanting to make Santana feel pressured. 

"Do you want to share a bottle of wine or are you getting something else?" 

Usually alcohol was a safer topic than food. Though it sometimes depended on if they were talking about what to get or how much was consumed.

"That sounds good," Santana said. She flipped through the menu some more, starting to get more anxious by the sheer number of choices, and looked up at Brittany. "What do you think looks good?"

"Why don't you get the fish stew, there has to be a joke in there somewhere, and I get the lamb and we share?"

Brittany was fairly sure they would share some of their meal anyway. This way a soup let Santana have a little more control. She could sip the broth if she felt the need to without having to really eat a whole lot. But if she wanted to eat she had that option too. Grateful for this suggestion, Santana smiled at her, her shoulders relaxing unconsciously. 

"Okay. Oh, there's totally a joke, in fact, I think it's a sequel song of another metaphor I can think of."

Brittany reached for Santana's hand, weaving their fingers together. "Thank you for going on a date with me. I was pretty sure you were going to say yes but I still felt nervous asking you. You're kind of the most amazing woman I know."

"For saying yes? I'd be the stupidest woman you know if I said no," Santana countered. "Thank you for doing this. You're trying really hard, for me...aren't you?"

"I am." Brittany nodded shyly. "I like being your girlfriend, Santana. I love it if I'm being honest. I love being the person that gets to hold you and plan dates for you and buy you flowers. I love it because it's everything we whispered to each other on the nights we let ourselves think of a future together. Those were the best nights of my life. But they aren't really anymore. The best nights of my life now are every night I get to slip in behind you and pull you against me. And yeah, I sound like the people we use to make fun of in high school. But maybe we weren't the smartest kids at 15."

If Santana had felt soft before, her heart was a pile of melted goo in her chest now. She dropped her eyes, blinking several times, and reached for Brittany's hand, pulling it against her cheek, then to her lips.

"No...we definitely weren't very smart. But you're a genius now, so you have...you are...making up for it."

Brittany blushed just like she did every time Santana called her a genius. 

"I have an IQ that is higher than all but 6 people alive right now. They made me take the tests. And when I was done and they kept calling me a genius I was confused. Because I didn't really feel like one. But when you do it I feel so warm inside." She felt her heart beating quickly in her chest just like every time she locked eyes with Santana after telling her something like that. "You have always believed in me. When I win some big math prize and all the cameras are pointed at me I am going to gush so hard over you. Prepare now, Miss Lopez."

Santana can't equal what Brittany has told her in words. It seemed impossible to let her see how much that means to her, how much Brittany means to her. Instead, she leaned in to kiss her again, stroking her cheek with the hand cupping her face. When she pulled back it was only because the waiter was waiting to take their order. Brittany ordered for both of them, a fan of the gentlewoman act. Her dad always ordered for her mom and she thought it was kinda romantic. 

"I do have some really cool news. News I think you're going to like.”

"That I'm getting a really huge reward that lies between the sheets?" Santana asked hopefully, sitting up a little straighter.

"I was hoping you would let me make you feel really good after our date. We're both kind of the type to do that on a first date after all." Brittany stuck the tip of her tongue out at Santana. "But no. Not the news. NYU is giving a gala in October for women in STEM. I'm going to be speaking at it."

"Can I give requests?"

Santana stuck her tongue back out at her, playfully doing so between V'd fingers and ignoring the looks of other customers around her. She dropped her fingers and the bawdy expression when Brittany kept speaking, breaking out in an excited grin. 

"Brittany! I'm so proud of you, you're so freaking amazing."

"You and I both get to put on super nice dresses and go to this thing. I am going to need you there to keep me from going full crazy Brittany." She tried not to comment on what Santana did. She really tried. "I might do that as long as you don't get us kicked out before we eat. I'm starving."

Santana rubbed her toes slowly over Brittany's ankle beneath the table, snaking them up. "I'll have to be more sneaky in the future."

Brittany shook her head in amusement. "I am thinking of getting Ash an iPad for Christmas. She keeps hinting for one and Mom and Dad aren't getting her one. What do you think?" She moved the subject off sex even as her foot slipped from her shoe to mirror Santana's actions.

"I think you're trying to distract me and for once you suck at it," Santana informs her. She battles for foot dominance under the table, grinning.

"I'll suck at something," Brittany muttered under her breath, giving Santana a look. "I would love to have a conversation about our sex life, San, but you usually don't like it when I do that in public."

Santana laughs appreciatively at the comment, shaking her head. "That was when I was sixteen...times have changed. It's funny to scandalize OTHER people now."

Brittany laughed deeply. The waiter brought the wine, something Brittany was going to need if she was going to have this conversation.

"Alright Lopez, bring it babe."

"Oh, really? Is that what you want?" Santana took this as challenge. She took a long swallow of the wine, eyebrows raised. "You really sure about that, what with all the trouble you went to, to make us look like fancy ladies here tonight?"

Brittany leaned in to make sure only Santana would hear the next words out of her mouth. “Usually to be a fancy lady you have to be wearing underwear. And the trouble I went though was only to make the two of us have a good time. You wanna play with a little bit of fire, I’m game.” 

She sat back, swirling her wine in the glass before taking another sip. Santana leaned forward too, wine glass in hand, and whispered back to her throatily. 

"Are you sure I'm not wearing underwear? Maybe you should check."

Brittany’s lips twisted into a wide grin as she leaned forward, her nose brushing against Santana’s. 

“I was talking about me. I’m not wearing a thing under my dress.” 

Her foot snaked upward, the wine and passion making her bold. She pressed the heel of her foot between Santana’s thighs as she flexed her ankle to add pressure. 

“Hmm, nope, don’t feel anything.”

Santana actually was wearing a thong. She widened her eyes at Brittany's remark, breaking out into a wide grin, and when Brittany's foot moved between her thighs, she inhaled sharply, her cheeks flushing. 

"Try harder."

Brittany laughed as she twisted her foot a little, feeling the scrap of fabric. "Not sure if it counts when it's made of so little fabric."

This felt good. Teasing each other, enjoying the moment. How many nights in Boston had she hoped once day they would be here again?

"Well you could find a way to relieve me of it, since it doesn't count at all. I want to match."

Santana winked at her, shifting forward so her crotch was pressed more firmly against her. Brittany tried to figure out just how to rid Santana of the offending bit of clothing without anyone finding out. 

"You should use the ladies room while I refill our glasses."

"Nope, that's cheating," Santana smirked, shaking her head. "Do it HERE."  
Brittany leaned forward as far as she could go. "Put your feet in my lap and move your chair in as much as you can." Her arms could just reach Santana if she would move her chair in as much as possible. "I think I can slip it off."

This was more than a little conspicuously weird, but Santana didn't care. She scooted forward, bracing her feet on Brittany's lap, and tensed up in anticipation, already grinning, near giggles from the thought of her toes scrabbling for the thin strap of her panties. Brittany managed to lean forward without making it too clear to anyone what she was doing. She slowly slid back, bringing the scrap of fabric with her. She bent and dropped them in an empty side pocket of her purse.

"Now we match."

Santana was more than turned on now. Swallowing hard, shifting noticeably in her seat, she licked her lips, taking a breath. 

"You're talented, babe."

Brittany just gave her most innocent smile. "What can I say? Being flexible had untold advantages." Her left hand moved to rub Santana's ankle, stroking slowly. "Are you having a good time tonight, San?"

God, she can only get sexier. Santana swallowed again, her body unconsciously curling towards Brittany as though asking for further touch, and wastes no time nodding. 

"I'm having an amazing time."

Brittany bit her lip, her fingers ghosting over Santana's skin. "That was all I wanted tonight. Us to have an amazing time in the best city in the world." Her free hand moved to the bottle of wine, pouring a bit more in each glass. "Have you thought about going back to school?"

Santana shivered, wanting to press herself more firmly into Brittany, wanting to be touched everywhere, with exactly that soft degree of pressure. She sipped the wine almost having forgotten that it was there, or where they were at all. Brittany's question brought her back to earth a little though, and she sighed, taking another sip of wine. 

"Sort of. Not seriously."

"You're gifted at a great many things Santana. It would be different this time, but the choice is yours."

Santana was not convinced. All she knew is how miserable and unhappy she had been in Louisville, how she had been so unfocused and uninterested in her classes she had stopped going, and in NYC, she'd have so much more competition. She won't be one of the smarter ones or even one of the prettier or more talented ones, she was sure of it, and how would she be able to keep pushing herself knowing that?

Brittany cocked her head, her fingers still tracing over her ankle.

"How is it that someone as amazing as you are can doubt themselves so much after constant proof of their talents?" she asked, honestly unable to see Santana any other way than as the most amazing person she knew. "You're brilliant and both a gifted singer and dancer. You can act too. Not to mention you have movie star good looks."

Santana smiled a little, self conscious at all this praise, but knowing Brittany was sincere. 

"Everyone else is in New York too, you know."

"Not like you." Brittany would never be convinced of that. "You forget that I have seen you on stage standing a foot away. I know how brightly you shine," she added as she ran her hand up Santana's calf.

Santana gave her a little smile, but she was still not entirely convinced. Her nearly two years of not being in school, watching what seemed to her like everyone she knew in high school sailing past her with their successes, had made its mark on her, and so she changed the subject. 

"Are you sure you won't tell me my surprise?"

Brittany let go of the conversation.

"I will give you a hint." She brought her sexy smile out again, her fingers rubbing Santana's calf like she might do to her back. "It involves something I love to do while laying on my back. And no, not that."

Santana had no idea if it's not sex. She tried to think, not easy with Brittany still rubbing her skin. 

"...stare at the ceiling after eating a pot brownie?"

"I only did that like a few times. It has to do with science."

This really stumped her. 

"Watching a bonfire and throwing firecrackers into it?"

Brittany shook her head, breaking into a grin.

"That was two hints and you didn't get it. One more and if you don't get it then you'll just have to wait." She brought Santana's hand to her lips. "Summer between Junior and Senior year, my back yard, every Tuesday night."

And now Santana got it. How could she ever forget? Smiling, she shook her head back at her. 

"Where are we going to have space to spread out and look at stars here?"

"I might have called in a small favor with someone I worked with at MIT to get the star theater at the American Museum of Natural History reserved for a private show for the two of us. Lima Ohio during the summer so we'd see the same stars we did that summer." 

Brittany truly was amazing. She had obviously tried so hard and put so much thought into the night, trying to make it as special and romantic as possible, and it was all Santana could do not to let herself tear up in response. She reached for her hand, squeezing hard, and then leaned in and kissed her lips, not caring who was watching.

Brittany's hand moved to Santana's cheek, stroking as she leaned into the kiss. "I wanted us to have a little bit of home tonight," she whispered when the kiss broke. "Those nights were so perfect that I thought bringing a little piece of them here might be romantic."

Home is what Santana has been wanting to leave for as long as she could remember. Home is where she was desperately afraid and unhappy, where she's had some of her deepest sorrows and hurts. And yet she understood what Brittany was trying to do for her and loved her all the more for it.

"You make everything perfect. You don't have to try."

Brittany toyed with Santana's fingers. "You are my favorite person in the world Santana. I love you but I really like you too. We're best friends. We know each other, warts and all. And one of the things you should know by now is I'm never going to stop trying. Because you deserve a partner that keeps trying with you. And who can take your thong off in the middle of dinner without getting us kicked out." 

She winked, leaning back when their food came out. Santana felt a stir of nervousness and tried not to look at it.

"I haven't tried with you though," Santana protested, squeezing her fingers back. "I haven't done anything to keep up with you." 

 

"You have done everything I've ever asked of you," Brittany pointed out. "I asked you to come out and you did. I asked you to hold my hand and you're doing that right now. I asked you to protect my heart and you did that too. I'm a simple girl Santana. All I need is your hand in mine and your heart beating in my chest." 

She didn't look down at the food, her eyes locked with Santana's.

"You have done everything I've ever asked of you." Brittany pointed out. "I asked you to come out and you did. I asked you to hold my hand and you're doing that right now. I asked you to protect my heart and you did that too. I'm a simple girl Santana. All I need is your hand in mine and your heart beating in my chest." 

She didn't look down at the food, her eyes locked with Santana's. And this melted Santana all over again. She looked down, her face alit with the softness of hearing her words, and tried to reconcile them as being not only true, but enough. To believe and trust she's enough. She looked up again, holding her gaze. 

"I'll try to always be your heart...if you keep yours close to mine."

It took a lot for her to say this out loud, but she didn't look away.

"I promise." 

Brittany felt like she was saying a vow to Santana here and now. Nothing made her happier than the idea of making a vow to the person she loved more than Lord and Lady Tubbington put together. 

"You and I were always better together than apart. Like peanut butter and jelly."

"Nope, peanut butter and chocolate," Santana corrected with a squeeze of her hand and a smile.

"See, you're a genius too." Brittany grinned back. She turned her attention to the lamb in front of her, smelling like heaven. "This looks amazing, so does your stew."

Santana looked down, smelling the food subtly. Still a little nervous, she took time to put a napkin in her lap and get her silverware situated. She watched Brittany, waiting for her to start eating first, more getting a small spoonful.

Brittany cut into her lamb, cutting a bite off. "Ohmygod," she muttered, a hand in front of her mouth. Her eyes closed as she took in the flavors one by one. "This is so good I might leave you for it."

"Hey!" Santana said indignantly, but she laughed, enjoying Brittany's expression. In spite of herself she's curious about the taste.

Brittany cut another piece, offering it to Santana. She knew this was a gamble so she cut the piece small. She hoped Santana would take the bite but she promised herself not to scold her if she didn't. 

"It melts in your mouth."

Santana hesitated, then slowly reached to take the bite. She ate it, and her face relaxed into a smile. 

"It is good."

"Right?" Brittany beamed at her. "We're coming back here again. Maybe when Quinn comes up next weekend we can bring her?"

"Quinn's coming up next weekend?" Santana looked up, raising an eyebrow. "Don't we have enough people in the house?"

In all honesty, she was uncomfortable at the idea of being around the blonde and having her see how bad things have gotten in the loft with her and Rachel.

"I didn't ask her to stay at the loft. I wouldn't have without you and Rachel being ok with it." Brittany shook her head. "She has to come to the city to meet with someone to interview for a summer internship she wants. She's staying in a hotel though I would like her to see the loft and hang out with us some while she's here."

Santana shrugged, and started toying with her stew, not really eating it, as she replied.

"You know how she is with Berry, it's disgusting. Let's just avoid all that."

Brittany snorted at the comment but then her face softened. "Honey, do you not want to see Quinn?"

When Brittany calls her honey, she's getting serious and Santana knew it. She tried to avoid a direct answer. 

"I don't want to see her making goo goo eyes at Berry, that's for sure."

"For like 3 years she watched us make goo goo eyes at each other and hand to try to sleep though us "cuddling" at sleep overs. I'm pretty sure that you can handle her undressing Rachel with her eyes for a day or two." Brittany quirked an eyebrow, trying to keep her tone upbeat. "She is our friend San, tell me what's really up."

"See, here's the difference. We are hot and awesome, and anyone undressing Rachel in any way is committing a crime against humanity."

Santana's voice was slightly sharper than she intended it to be. She poked at her stew some more, and then looked up at her quickly, trying to keep her voice light. 

"Nothing's up. I just said."

Brittany took both of Santana's hands in hers, leaning over the table.

"You are so awesome that sometimes you make me unsure of my own name when you pull out your awesome and show the world." She snuck a quick kiss before leaning back. "Oh! You will never guess who Facebook messaged me last week. Matt."

Santana accepted and returned the kiss, but she was still thinking about Quinn. She barely raised an eyebrow in response to her comment about Matt. 

"Yeah? Why?"

“He is getting married and wanted to know if I could teach him how to dance for the wedding. I guess he remembered how good I was and didn’t have anyone else to ask. But I won’t be back in Ohio in time. I hooked him up with a friend of mine though.” Brittany smiled, remember sophomore year and how much fun it had been when they let themselves have fun. “Do you think our 16 year old selves had any idea what we were in for with that group of people?” She snapped a little piece of Santana's fish. "I think I knew it was different than Cheerios even a few weeks in."

Santana smiled, thinking of Matt, missing him. She had genuinely enjoyed being around him.

"It would be cool to talk to him again." She thought back to her first few weeks of Glee club, remembering how disgusted yet intrigued she had been, how fast her heart had softened for those dorks. "I don't know what they did to us. There's something hypnotic in all that singing."

"I am really glad Sue made us join. Even if she was just doing it to try to end the club. It was the best thing that even happened to me. Because it lead me to you being my girlfriend. And it let to tonight." Her hand once again snaked up Santana's thigh. Her nails scrapped lightly against the back of Santana's left thigh. "Those girls that walked into that room wouldn't believe they could one day be sitting here. For all my unicorn magic even I would have a hard time seeing this. But we're here. We are here and together and because of that you and I can do anything. And I'm getting sappy but guess what? I like being a sap." 

Santana totally loved it too. Everything the other girl was saying is exactly what she feels, much better worded than she could have managed. She grinned back at her, loving the happiness in her girlfriend's eyes, the feeling in her heart that so perfectly matched.

"I can tolerate it, since you like it so much."


	7. Chapter 7

The room they would be spending the next few hours in already was lit up with the same star pattern they spent months looking up at. As promised in the center of the room was a nest of blankets and pillows. Brittany toed her shoes off before moving to her knees in the center.

"I am really good at calling in favors."

Santana didn't even know where to begin with this. She stood still for a moment, her neck craned up, then turned in a slow circle, taking everything in. Slipping her shoes off, she followed Brittany into the pillow pile, unsure of whether to slip between her legs, lay her head in her lap, or lie down with her, head to head. Brittany just smiled as she looked into Santana's eyes.

"You know why I do these things for you? Because you deserve them. You deserve sweet things and loving words. You deserve the moon and all the stars in the sky."

She shifted to her back, her arms open, letting Santana decide herself how to lay. It seemed so surreal to Santana, to hear Brittany to say this, to know she meant it so sincerely. She was the only person in Santana's life, with the exception of her mother, who has ever said these sort of things to her, who has ever looked her in the eyes and seemed to truly believe her to be worth this sort of sweetness. To think that she was a person who would respond well to it, one worth giving it to. Without Brittany, she wouldn't be, she is sure of it, and even with her it's not quite real.

Swallowing, her face open and soft, Santana lay beside her, resting her head on Brittany's chest.

This was how Brittany liked it. Santana's head against her chest, her arm around Santana's waist. She breathed in and out slowly as she looked up at the stars as they slowly danced though the shy.

"We met on August 11, 2009. Almost 2000 days have past since I first laid eyes on you."

Santana remembered. She traced her fingers over Brittany's arm, nodding slowly as she recalled aloud. 

"It was Cheerios try outs, freshman year."

"It was." Brittany nodded as her fingers draw on Santana's back. "I was so nervous I wasn't going to be good enough. I mean I knew I could do the flips and stuff but I was so scared of Sue. I heard from one of the girls if you didn't make the team you had to move out of Lima."

Santana's skin reacted even to this light touch. She curled a little closer, drawing her leg slightly overlapping Brittany's as she remembered aloud too.

"Yeah. That was Hayley Atwell, she was such a bitch. Almost as much as the three of us, but she had nothing on us once the Unholy Trinity rose up in power." She rolled her eyes, remembering the captain at the time. "She kept making these comments that she thought I couldn't hear about how we better hope that I'm one of THOSE flexible Hispanics and all the rice and beans won't make for unpleasant pyramid experiences, and I was about one more syllable from using my flexible foot to shove it into her face or up her perky little ass." 

She had been trying with everything she had to keep to herself then, already keyed up and nervous, worried about everything from her hair to her weight to her performance to that catty Hayley, and she had separated from the other girls, shooting them glares to attempt to mask her nerves and intimidate if they glanced towards her.

"I came over to you first, didn't I?" Brittany tried to remember that day. "I think I knew that if I didn't you'd be all alone. And I didn't want you to be alone. Even then I think I knew that you were going to be really important to me if I let you." She turned her head, nuzzling the top of Santana's head. "I knew deep down in my bones if I said hi to you that I would never want to say goodbye." She muttered as her fingers danced along Santana's back. "It was something about the color of your eyes. It was like the best chocolate in Amsterdam."

"I was mean to you," Santana murmured back, her voice apologetic even as it lowered, nearly a smoky purr in response to Brittany's attentions to her. She continued to rub Brittany's skin lightly as well, smiling. "I don't even remember what I said, but I was being a bitch. But you just kept talking to me like you didn't even hear, and it was so NOT what everyone else does that I didn't even know how to react to it...and then I just sort of, I don't know. I looked at you, and you were pretty and hot but I wasn't jealous anymore, and I just didn't want to be mean to you anymore. I didn't even really know why. It just went away from me."

"You had a crush on me. It's ok. I had a crush on you by then too," Brittany explained softly. "I had a huge crush on you by the time we had lunch. It's why I made you the bracelet out of the ribbons I had in my bag. I wanted to see how you'd do if I gave you a gift," she explained, her fingers digging in a little more firmly. She loved how much Santana reacted when she touched her back, making her want to do it more and more. "By the end of the day I knew I wasn't going to feel for any other girl the way I felt for you."

In hindsight, it did seem obvious that she had a crush, but at the time, Santana wouldn't have been capable of admitting it to herself, let alone identifying the feelings to Brittany. She smiled, remembering aloud, "Hayley made some comment about fulfilling the special needs quota and I said something about we've already done that with her as captain for the past two years, and then I went to go take your arm but you held out your pinkie instead. And I didn't know what you wanted but you just kept holding it out and it seemed weird to take it with my whole hand, so I just put mine out too."

Brittany held her pinky out for Santana to take, she missed the gesture even if she really liked being able to hold Santana's whole hand.

"Sometimes when we were at practice I would check you out. Quinn caught me a lot. That's why when she was captain I was the one usually holding you up. She knew I liked to put my hand on your ass," she muttered, blushing a little at the smirk Quinn had on her face when she told her that a few months ago. "She was trying to help us get together. I think she thought you'd be less bitchy if we were having regular sex."

Santana linked their pinkies, feeling a rush of closeness to her in her heart at this small gesture, just as she always has. She looked up with surprise at Brittany's confession, shaking her head. 

"No way. I thought she was all prim and proper at first, until she fucked my boyfriend and got pregnant, obviously. But even after that, I didn't think she actually LIKED us together so much as sort of tolerated it."

"Puck was never your boyfriend. He was the cock you use to bounce up and down on to prove just how straight you were. You two never had a real relationship." Brittany pulled Santana a little closer. She didn't like talking about the guys Santana "dated" when she was trying to keep her act up. "You really think she was that deep a sleeper she didn't hear us fooling around at sleep overs?"

Santana removed her pinkie from Brittany's to wrap her fingers around her whole hand, trying to reassure her wordlessly. She snickered, thinking about Quinn. "So there was a reason she slept with her head under her pillow and it wasn't to keep spiders from getting in her ears."

"Nope. She knew we'd never be able to help ourselves if we were lying next to each other," Brittany muttered, letting Santana change how they were holding hands. "She told me she didn't mind it because if we were comfortable enough to let go with her in the room we must have trusted her to keep our secret."

"Oh, no way did Quinn Fabray say that!" Santana turned her head to look at Brittany, astounded. "Nope, don't believe that...how drunk was she?"

"She was sober. We were cuddling," Brittany smirked a little bit. "She's not quite as good as you but if I had to cuddle with someone beside you it would totally be her." 

Santana sat up all the way then, more astonished than ever. "You did not cuddle with Ice Bitch Fabray. No way. When did this happen and where is videoed proof."

Brittany rolled her eyes, grabbing her phone. She pulled up a selfie they took together, both in tank tops with the covers hiding if they were wearing anything else. 

"She and I cuddled a lot when we came to see each other. We didn't really do anything together, some neck nuzzling and I gave her a few topless back rubs because of her back issues. But it was never a sexual thing."

Santana stared at the picture, jealousy digging deep claws in her heart. She heard what Brittany was saying, about them not being a sexual thing, and she knew she herself slept with Quinn. But she also heard neck nuzzling and topless back rubs and that's enough for her jealousy to flare up sharp, along with her insecurity. She didn't say anything, but squirmed uncomfortably.

Brittany couldn't help the little giggle that escaped. "I don't like that you feel uncomfortable but this is kinda fun. I mean usually in our relationship I'm the one that is jealous. I kinda like knowing that you care enough to be a little jealous of me." She ran her hand down Santana's spine in hopes of calming her down. "She's not you Santana. She's not you at all. I only want you to be my lover. Just you."

"She has bigger boobs than me," Santana muttered to herself , unable to resist, "but mine don't have stretch marks. And she's got a bigger ass." 

But all three of them knew that Quinn's ass was pretty damn amazing. Actually, Santana was pretty jealous of it.

"She is beautiful Santana, I'm not denying that." Brittany took one of Santana's hands and put it directly over her heart. "But you feel the pounding in my chest? I don't get this with her. I don't get turned on when she rests her head on my shoulder. I don't whimper when she walks away from me. I don't want to buy every toy I can find and spend a week just seeing how many orgasms I can make her have before she can't walk anymore. You. You are who I want. And your breasts and your ass are the perfect size for my tastes."

Santana spread her fingers slowly, feeling Brittany's heartbeat against her palm. She relaxed at her description, her lips curving back into a smile, and she rested against her, breathing out a sigh. 

"What if they change size?"

"Like because you get a little curvier or because you want to have surgery again?" Brittany asked, not wanting to agree to something when she wasn't sure what was going on inside Santana's mind. "I am not a huge fan of a Kim K ass babe."

"Hey, no hating on Queen K," Santana said mildly, squeezing her hand. "You know. If I lose or gain weight, I'm not the same size anymore." She said this off handedly, but she's listening carefully, watching her.

"As long as whatever you do is being done for health and not because you are skipping meals than whatever size you are is perfect for me," Brittany said softly, kissing her temple. "I hope you feel the same for me. My boobs are going to shrink a little and my hips will too once I start putting in my dance hours again."

Santana put up a hand to cup Brittany's breast experimentally. "Nah, it will all be good here." 

She didn't comment on Brittany's words to her about her own body, preferring to let that go if she will let her. Brittany shifted a little bit, moving her hand to rest on Santana's thigh.

"If it were up to me, and I know it isn't, you'd look more like you did senior year. God you looked good, you always did though, at prom. You could lift me up then, do you remember when I made you give me a piggy back ride before we had sex for like three weeks?"

Santana grinned, remembering this, and how much she had enjoyed it, despite her efforts at pretending it was sacrifice. 

"You used my hair like a mane."

She looked at Brittany's hand on her thigh, covering it slowly, and tried not to mentally calculate how much of her hand it covered.

"I love when you wear your hair naturally. It's beautiful." Brittany leaned in, giving Santana a soft kiss. "But you have always been beautiful to me. Because I guess I don't really see you with my eyes anymore but with my heart." 

Santana kissed her back, closing her eyes. She felt then like she could see Brittany no matter what, wherever they are and however far apart, and she will always smell and feel and taste her too. Brittany has become her, in some ways.

Brittany leaned forward a little, her hand stroking Santana's thigh. "Thank you for going out with me tonight. For being my girlfriend. For loving me. I know we have a lot of history and some people might not have taken their ex just showing up as well as you did. And they might not have wanted to try things again. But you did. And for that I will never stop saying thank you."

Brittany's hand on her thigh was soothing, and Santana lay back against her, reaching for her free hand again with hers. She squeezed it, her eyes cast not to the stars, but to Brittany, because to her, she was much more amazing to watch.

"I'll always take you back."

"I hope you never have to again," Brittany whispered. "I don't want you to have to take me back Santana. If you do that means we broke up again. And I can't have you sing me a love song and then tell me we're over." She held tightly to Santana's hand. "You are more important to me than Lord Tubbington."

These were all true statements, ones Santana couldn't deny. She didn't want to have to take her back either, to lose her for even a second. Brittany's declaration of being more important to her even than her cat was huge from her, and unbelievably, it was that statement over all the others that caused her eyes to fill. 

"You're the most important person I've ever known."

Brittany took a ring off her pinky and slipped it on to Santana's right hand, a Claddagh ring. 

"No, not asking you the big question. I just want you to keep this for me for a while," she muttered, kissing Santana's shoulder. "We use to borrow each other's jewelry all the time. Think of it like that, or a promise ring or whatever. I just want you to have something of mine on you when I can't be there always during your day."

And now one tear actually escaped, seeping out the corner of her eye and starting to streak down her cheek. Santana shrugged her shoulder quickly to wipe it, holding up her hand to examine the ring more closely. She wondered if Brittany got it because she knew her obsession with Buffy the Vampire Slayer and especially the other slayer, Faith. 

"Thank you...I promise, I'll keep it on as long as you want me to have it. Promise."

"The heart facing in on the right hand means you're heart is taken but not engaged or something like that. I looked it up," Brittany admitted softly. She wanted to do something that had meaning to others as well as to the two of them.

Santana had automatically put it on in this way. Looking down at it, she didn't adjust it, giving Brittany a small smile. Brittany kissed Santana's shoulder again.

"I know we never really let ourselves plan a future because we didn't know what it would look like after high school. And we're both sometimes a little bit scared when it comes to making plans. But right now all that matters to me is you're holding my hand in whatever future I have. And we still have crazy awesome sex."

"Oh, that's a given," Santana shrugged, smirking a little. "No sex we have is anything but crazy and awesome." She took a breath, making her voice more serious as she met her eyes. "I want to always be holding your hand. Literally and otherwise. I don't know how but somehow."

"I finish school, become a super famous dancer, you figure out your shit and become super famous and hire me to be your personal dance maker upper. We tour the world together. Easy, right?" Brittany gave her a hopeful smile. She wanted to go all over the world to dance but only if it meant Santana was there too.

It sounded like a good plan to Santana. Maybe miraculous in her case, but inevitable in Brittany's.

"If that's your dream, you'll make it happen."

"That's not my dream, that's my plan," Brittany chuckled. "My dream had nothing to do with what I do for a living," she muttered softly, nuzzling her girlfriend's neck again.

Santana bared her throat to her, letting her have more access to her as she murmured, "What is your dream then...?"

"Marriage. Kids. A brownstone on a street our kids and us can walk down and a back yard they can play in. 50 or 60 or God willing 70 years together. Holding your hand as we lay in bed together and go one after the other so we don't have to be alone. A heaven where we get to relive the best moments of our life time together, hand in hand." Brittany's arms held tightly to Santana's waist, praying she wasn't going to scare her.

Hearing Brittany's dreams chokes her up again, and Santana rolls her eyes up to the stars, trying to stay composed. This is exactly what she wants, and yet she's so afraid to hope for it, let alone put it out there in words as a goal for her life. Instead she just squeezes Brittany's hand hard as she swallows, picturing this clearly.

"One day science is going to let me or you carry a baby made just by me and you," Brittany whispered softly. "And if we can afford it I'd like to do that. But if we can't or it's not ready in time then maybe we can use my cousin? He's mom is my mom's twin so he's like my half brother. And it would be close. I want to know what my nose and your eyes look like together even if I wouldn't love a baby you or I had any less just because of blood." 

Santana nodded, hardly even realizing that she was. Eyes shutting, she imagined a baby that was the best of them both, leaving out all her worst parts and taking all of Brittany's good ones instead.

"A little girl," Brittany whispered. "With your voice and my dance moves. A fighter like you and loyal like me. Funny like you and protective like me. Willing to go to the ends of the earth for a friend like you and silly like me. And she will be loved. Because we'd do it right. No judgement if she liked girls or girls and boys or just boys. No making her feel like being a tomboy was wrong or that she was stupid. Our little girl will be so lucky to have you as her mami."

Santana could see this, all of this, so clearly in her mind. A little girl just like Brittany said, so wonderful and amazing, so strong and fully herself without fear of ever trying to be anything else. Her daughter. She wanted that then so badly she almost forgot her general self proclaimed aversion to children.

"One day Santana, we'll get out little girl." Brittany hugged herself to Santana. "And I'm like a total stud so I can totally knock you up." 

She pulled back and grinned, wanting to see those dimples come out. Just as Brittany had hoped, Santana's dimples come into view with her smile. She shook her head, denying. 

"Oh no, I'm the stud here."

"Yeah?" Brittany licked her lips. "Are you sure about that? Because I'm pretty sure you're a bottom and not even a power bottom." 

She winked, if she had dimples herself she knew they would be out. Santana's mouth dropped open, mock offended, even though she knows full well she's right.

"Lies. Lies and slander."

Brittany raised an eyebrow. "If I told you to top me I'm pretty sure you'd have to goggle a how to guide babe." She leaned back against her hands, her hip pressed to Santana's.

"NOT true!"

Santana was actually slightly offended at this. Just to try to prove her point, she sprawled over top Brittany, pinning her wrists down as she situated herself, where she was straddling her. It was not an easy, fluid, practiced movement, though. Brittany couldn't help the groan that escaped as she looked up at Santana.

"Would you like me to call you Miss Lopez now?" she asked, a slightly cocky smirk on her lips. 

"No, I wouldn't like it. I demand it," Santana blustered, still trying her damnest to be a top.

She rocked her hips against Brittany, already running through the list of all the scenarios she's seen in similar movies and pornos to try to copy. Brittany bit back a laugh at the look of concentration on Santana's face. 

"You might want to shift a little, Miss Lopez, so you are grinding against my thigh. Right now I think you air humping is frustrating you more than teasing me."

"Hey, Miss Lopez doesn't take orders from you!" Santana barked, but her face was flushed with embarrassment. She did shift how Brittany said, trying to be subtle about it.

"Baby there is nothing wrong with being a bottom," Brittany tugged a little at the grip Santana had on her wrists. She knew she was stronger and if she wanted to she wouldn't have too much trouble getting out of Santana's control. "If we were both tops this wouldn't work. I love touching you and watching you feel part of me."

"I’m totally a top when I want to be," Santana insisted. 

She didn't let go of her wrists, but now she couldn't remember what she was supposed to do with them. She couldn't be holding onto Brittany with both hands and also using her hands to touch her, obviously, but if she let go with just one hand how will she balance herself? And if she can't hold onto her with her hands how will she pin her just with her legs or hips?

"Sure you are." With that Brittany rolled them, one of her hands pinning both of Santana's as her thighs wrapped one of Santana's legs, her knee pressed tightly between Santana's thighs. "Teaching time. You use one hand to hold both of the bottom's wrists like I am now. And if you can angle it so your wrist acts as a support it shouldn't hurt them." She moved her free hand to cup one of Santana's breasts. "You want to use your knees to do most of the work to keep you upright though and drive it against your bottoms pussy." 

Okay, so maybe Brittany knew what she's talking about. No, there's no maybe in this equation. She definitely knew. Santana swallowed, her body already responding definitively to her attentions. She wasn't even concerned with proving a point or trying anymore, she was too interested in feeling what Brittany was currently doing to her.

Brittany bent down, kissing Santana slowly. "I love you just the way you are. You want to learn how to top me, I will teach you. But don't do it because you think you have to. Do it because it gets you off like it gets me off." She ran her free hand over Santana's ribs. "Do it because the thought of pinning me down makes little tremors of pleasure shoot all over your body like it does when I think of pinning you. Do it because when your hips grin against my thigh you are thinking up 15 other ways to tease me like I do with you. And if you wanna stay on your back then I will very much enjoy being on top of you for the next 70 years, Princess."

Her body was reacting as much to Brittany's words as to her hands and hips now, and Santana's breathing came faster and harder as she arched up to grind against her in exactly the way Brittany had said. She reached to lock her arms around her neck, capturing her lips with hers, but didn't try to buck Brittany off the top again. Brittany allowed Santana's arms around her neck, sucking on Santana's bottom lip. Her hand that wasn't supporting her moved between Santana's thigh and started touching her. 

"You like when I use my hand, don't you?" She whispered. "Or is my mouth better at making you feel worshiped?"

Santana loved both, obviously. But it's Brittany's mouth that really drives her wild. She reached for her, running a slightly shaky hand through her hair, and gave it a gentle tug to indicate that she should move her head down.

Brittany liked the way Santana shook as she touched her. The way that she was unable to control just turned on she was already

"Lay back and let me take care of you." 

She leaned forward to press a tender kiss to her lover's lips before slowly slipping the dress higher and higher until she was completely exposed. With a smile and a wink she's slowly moved downward until she settled between Santana's thighs.

It's completely slipped Santana's mind that they're in a public place, sort of. She gasped as Brittany moved her dress up, also completely forgetting even attempting not to prove that she's not the bottom she is. She let herself be taken care of, let herself be stroked and kissed, and thoroughly enjoyed it.

Brittany wasted no time before her fingers and mouth moved together in a well choreographed dance. She knew where to stroke, where to lick, to bring forward the pleasure she wanted to gift to Santana. Her movements were firm yet tender, two fingers curving to hit inside of her as her lips and tongue took care of her clit. Santana's body knew exactly how to react to this, and yet every time, it seemed entirely new, shocking and thrilling both at just how strongly Brittany affects her. She arched up, continuing to cry out softly at first, then more urgently as she dug her nails into Brittany's shoulders, pressing herself closer.

Brittany slipped a hand between Santana and the blanket, pressing and pushing on the small of her back while her lips and fingers worked. She wanted to not just get Santana off but prove to her that she was the best at doing so. Even if the competition was mostly in her head. Thinking about Santana and Puck always made Brittany a little more aggressive.

This combination of fingers on her back, just at the base of her spine, paired with her lips and fingers inside her, has Santana's head spinning, all the blood rushing to her face. Her breath became pants as she started to voice Brittany's name, her tone loud, urgent.

Brittany slowed slightly, wanting to save a burst of speed for the final seconds. Her eyes were closed as she shifted her head, changing the angle of her tongue. For a few moments she moved at the slow pace before shifting into a higher gear. All at once her lips, tongue and both hands pressed, pushed, sucked and flicked at a manic pace.

Every time Brittany seemed to be giving her a break to relax, she started something new and changed it up, and it was driving Santana over the edge. When she upped her speed, Santana's eyes popped, and she gave a near scream of pleasure, gripping Brittany's shoulders hard enough to leave marks. She rocked her pelvis into her frantically, thrusting up to meet her harder, faster touch, and when she came, she felt almost electric with it.

Brittany moved over Santana after working her though her orgasm. She settled against her, curves fitting together. All the hard and soft places of their bodies just fitting together like they were made out of the same piece of marble. 

"I love going down on you." She pressed a kiss to Santana's lips after using the back of her hand to wipe her face off. "Knowing I can make you feel good makes me feel sorta high."

Santana just breathed, clutching Brittany hard at first, then more loosely, loving to feel the other girl's heart beating fast against her own. She kissed her back, hard, still breathless as she trailed her lips down her neck.

"Let me do you."

Brittany nodded, whimpering slightly as her neck was assaulted. She carefully rolled them, her hands finding Santana's bare hips.

"I love you," she muttered, baring more of her neck to Santana. "God I love how you are like a 15 year old boy when it comes to my neck."

Santana didn't take her lips from Brittany's skin long enough even to repeat she loves her back. She licked, nipped, and sucked at the skin of her throat, dipping her tongue into the hollow of her throat, before beginning similar attentions to her collar bone, shoulders, and upper chest. Brittany brought her hands to Santana's ass as she moved. She didn't want to play with her back too much and get her worked up again. Though she might have to after they get back home.

"I am going to need more cover up." 

Doesn't bother Santana in the slightest, that's for sure. Secretly she thought it incredibly sexy when Brittany is barefaced, sweaty from dance with her hair straggling out of a ponytail, or just having woke up, squinty and sleepy. She cupped her breast with one hand, rubbing her thumb over the nipple first gently, then more rapidly, before attaching her lips to it, teasing.

"San - tan - a." Brittany managed to grunt out, her right hand moved to press against the back of Santana's neck while her left hand stayed planted on her ass. "Fuck, you're going to kill me. I'm going to burst into flames and take this whole place up with me."

"Hot," Santana murmured against her breast. 

She shifted her attentions to her other breast, her hand slipping around Brittany's side to her ass, and squeezed, digging her fingers in to massage. She continued to make her way slowly down her stomach and over her hips, working towards her thighs.

Brittany both loved and hated being teased. On one hand she didn't like to give up the control but on the other hand it always felt amazing when Santana took her time. The feelings she managed to bring forth always made Brittany's toes curl.

"I might cum before you even get down there at this rate," she moaned, arching a little against Santana's efforts to tease her.

Santana took this as a challenge. Skipping her vagina entirely, she shifted herself down to Brittany's thighs, beginning to slowly lick their inner slopes. She stimulated high up by her inner crotch without ever touching her vagina, rubbing fast, then slow, while continuing to lick the sensitive skin of her thighs.

"Not a challenge," Brittany groaned, feeling Santana stroking her labia without giving her clit any of the attention is begged for. "God you are such a tease. I love it though….”

Still deliberately avoiding penetrating her, Santana sucked the skin of her inner thighs, writing her name with her tongue over each. She lightly scratched her nails over Brittany's ass, as her finger continued to ever so lightly stroke her labia, barely touching at all.

The little whimpers and moans coming from Brittany started to grow more and more urgent. She shifted her hips a little bit as she tried to get Santana's lips or fingers to give her more attention.

"Totally not fair right now. I gave you amazing head."

"Yeah, but you'll get a totally amazing orgasm," Santana told her, undaunted. This is a challenge to herself and she takes them damn seriously.

Brittany tightened her hand on the back of Santana's neck. 

"You are going to make me pass out and then you'll have to carry me to the taxi," she whimpered as she shifted down a little, trying to get her clit grazed. She was sure if she just got a little bit there she'd cum.

"No, I wouldn't do that to you, baby," Santana breathed, punctuating each word with a flick of her tongue. 

She kept this up for another thirty seconds, concentrating solely on Brittany's labia and inner thighs. Then, with one quick dart of her tongue, she touched her clit, giving her just a little bit of mercy.

The sound that came from Brittany was nearly unhuman. She arched, her whole body tensing as an orgasm ripped though her. She grabbed hard to Santana's neck, her nails drawing a little bit of blood before she relaxed, falling back down against the blankets.

"Holy shit."

Her neck stinging slightly, Santana grinned, licking up Brittany's fluids from her legs as she took her time coming up for air. She rubbed Brittany's shaking legs, kissing the tops of her thighs, before slowly pulling herself up, draping over top her with great satisfaction.

"See, totally a top."

Brittany growled softly as she kissed Santana, tasting both of them together. "You're not even a power bottom. You're just a tease," she muttered as she moved her hands around Santana's waist. "I shudder to think how much you'd tease me if I had a cock." 

She snorted at the image before resting her face against Santana's neck. Santana grumbled, giving her hip a little push, even as she stroked Brittany's hair gently, cuddling in close to her.

"I could have won awards for that, back in the day."

She continued to stroke her hair for another minute before saying with a slight pout, "I am too a top. I just totally topped you."

"You went down on me, not the same thing," Brittany teased, enjoying the feeling of Santana on top of her. She moved her hand to lightly stroke the side of her back. "And we both know that in your heart you only want to be a top because you think it's more badass. But I am pretty sure there is nothing more badass in this world than getting to lay there like a pillow princess while you're super hot girlfriend does all the work."

"I'm on top of you right now!" Santana protested, the pout becoming a scowl.

Never mind that she's being stroked as she's on top of her and the most badass thing she's doing at the moment is cuddling while naked. She does like the way Brittany has phrased this, though. It might not sound badass, but it definitely doesn't suck either.

Brittany just laughed, shaking her head at her girlfriend.

"You are so cute sometimes that I swear my heart stops for a second." She kissed her cheek before nuzzling her neck. She breathed in the scent of the two of them post sex, sighing a little. "We should go home. Get into bed and sleep. I am going out with some dancer friends tomorrow and you have to work."

Santana continued to scowl, not liking this reference to "cute," but it melted into a smile when she was kissed. She mumbled another protest at this suggestion, shaking her head.

"No...stay here. Here is good."

"We have to leave before my friend gets here to clean this up. If he wants in to two very naked women he might get ideas. And I do not want him to have ideas about the two of us."

She kissed Santana tenderly before shifting out from under her. Very reluctantly Santana sat up too, starting to get dressed. She frequently stops to touch and look at Brittany, and by the time they are ready to go, she is looking forward to their next stop- bed. They might not get it on yet again tonight, but badass as it might not be, snuggling up to her girlfriend is pretty amazing too.


End file.
